Shoplifting Mother Blames Crime On Baby; Baby Gets Arrested

babyarrested

WESTFIELD, South Dakota – 

A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.

“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”

Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.

“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”

Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.

“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

homeless

DECATUR, Alabama – 

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

pies

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

Wal-Mart Says They Are Canceling All Black Friday Sales, Events

walmart

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., the world’s largest retailer, has announced – very last minute – that they will be pulling out of Black Friday sales and events, and will be closed on Thanksgiving, with stores reopening at 8am on Friday morning.

“We will not have the major sales this year, and we are hoping that other stores will follow suit,” said Wal-Mart CEO Tim Brown. “Over the years, we’ve had fights, guns, deaths, trampled customers, and more, and we are sick of it. This year, we are closing on Thanksgiving, paying all of our employees for the day off, and then come Friday, we will open back up at our regular time of 8am. No deals, nothing extra, just our normal rollback, everyday savings.”

Many customers who already had their Black Friday shopping routes mapped out were more than outraged, taking to social media to call the company out for not allowing them to shop.

“This is some serious bullshit, @Walmart,” tweeted user @ShopAHo-Lick. “I needed me some shoes, some DVDs, and I was gonna get me that tablet. Fuck you Walmart. I be at @Target.”

“I really was hoping to get the new Roku box for cheap, but I guess I’ll just pay normal price for it,” said Facebook user Mark Moore. “This is insane. How can I save money at Walmart if they won’t just open on Thanksgiving and let me gorge out on savings and deals? I guess I won’t be going into debt again this year. You greedy bastards.”

Wal-Mart says that a little customer anger is nothing compared to the long-term effects of pulling out of Black Friday sales.

“They’ll still shop with us, what choice do they even have?” said Brown.

Woman Who Was Arrested For Masturbating With Sausage Dies In Prison

sausage

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana – 

Last week, shopper Shaniqua Johnson was arrested for allegedly masturbating with a Jimmy Dean sausage inside of a Wal-Mart Super Center in Louisiana. The incident, which was reportedly caught on camera, prompted the arrest of Johnson, who was being held after it was found she was unable to make bail.

“Ms. Johnson, who was arrested for lewd acts and shoplifting late last week at a Wal-Mart location, was found dead this morning in her cell,” said Police Chief Richard Brown. “In an ironic turn of events, it appears that Ms. Johnson choked on a sausage that was part of her state-provided breakfast meal. The coroner will release his full findings after an autopsy.”

“It’s a shame, really. If she had just paid for those sausages before masturbating with them in the first place, she never would have been in jail,” said Wal-Mart store manager Ross Mitchell. “I almost feel somehow responsible for this, like maybe I shouldn’t have called the cops. I mean, it was just a $5 package of sausage. I could have written it off.”

Johnson, who would have been facing 3 years in prison for her crimes, will be buried in the state cemetery, as no living relatives could be located.

 

George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

DALLAS, Texas – George W. Bush Accepts Job Offer As Greeter At Dallas Walmart, Will Donate Earnings To Charity

George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, has accepted a job offer to become a greeter at a Dallas, Texas Walmart.

Bush, 68, was offered the position by second-shift manager Bob McDonald after he read about the former President in the local Dallas-Herald newspaper. In the article, Bush expressed that he was growing bored with painting and trying to golf, and would like a job some place involving customer assistance.

“I would like to be of service again and give back to the people, make a difference. You can take the boy out of the neighborhood, but you can’t take the neighborhood out of the backyard,” Bush said in the article.

After reading the piece, McDonald, a Walmart manager with twenty-two years experience at the store, says he wrote a letter to the president offering him a job as a second-shift door greeter. Much to McDonald’s surprise, Bush replied saying he would take the job with one condition – he needed to have the day off for Elvis’ birthday.

“I couldn’t believe it! My first thought was, ‘Holy cow, I’m going to be the boss of a former President of the United States of America!’ Usually we don’t give just anybody Elvis’ birthday off, but you know, I sure as heck couldn’t say no to W,” McDonald said.

Bush, who is also paid for motivational speaking gigs, announced the news to a sold-out crowd at the annual Exxon Oil company meeting in downtown Houston. Bush excitedly talked about his new job while speaking to the packed audience.

“Hard work pays off. I am a prime example. If you never give up on life, you can make it anywhere, and eventually you’ll even end up with a greeter job at Walmart,” said Bush. “Yeah, I am 68-years-old, but this dog has not lost its bark. Walmart is a great American company, and it is my honor to serve.”

Bush said that although he has never shopped at a Walmart, he looks to the position with the company as a new challenge, and new adventure.

“Just like Louis Armstrong said, ‘This is one big step for man, and one giant leap for humanity,” the jolly ex-President said. “I would also like to announce that I will be donating my Walmart salary to the ice-water bucket challenge charity thingy, because no dog deserves to go thirsty.”

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.

Wal-Mart Plans To Layoff Thousands of Employees If Federal Minimum Wage Is Raised

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – Wal-Mart To Layoff Thousands of Employees If Federal Minimum Wage Is Raised

Expect even longer lines at Wal-Mart this holiday season if the federal minimum wage is raised, as Wal-Mart executives say they plan to lay off thousands of workers if the bill finally makes it through congress.

Douglas McMillion says, “It’s the only way we will be able to keep our costs low, while keeping the Walton family in the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to. They are in the midst of building a new addition to the family bunker. They need to be prepared to fend off the welfare horde when the inevitable economic collapse happens, and government aid dries up. In fact, everyone should be preparing for this. We have great deals on bottled water and ammo, and you’d be wise to take advantage of these low, low prices while you can.”

Recently workers have organized strikes, demanding fifteen dollars an hour. Store manager, April Ranger says, “It’s ridiculous. Wal-Mart pays a livable wage, and most of the staff is barely worth the $7.25 we give them anyway. Plus they get a 10% discount on everything they could possibly need for their families, and we give them just enough hours so that they can still receive hundreds of dollars in state aid.”

While many claim, they will stop going to Wal-Mart in support of the workers, that is easier said than done. Economist Bill Mason says, “Wal-Mart killed all competition, and now that the Main Street USA is dead, you have no choice but to spend your measly earnings at Wal-Mart. If minimum wage goes up, either costs go up, or companies downsize to compensate for having to spend more on unskilled labor. You think CEOs and shareholders will take the hit?”

Daughter of Sam Walton, Alice Walton also remarked, “Fifteen dollars an hour? Do we really need to pay cashiers more than public school teachers? This is a job anyone can get and anyone can do. It’s really too bad we can’t outsource it to India. Those people would kiss my high heels and call me Buddha for $7.25 an hour.”

 

Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Breast Milk In Stores

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Breast Milk In Stores

New moms everywhere can now tell their babies to let go of their tired breasts and grab their piggy banks, because Wal-Mart has announced their plan to begin selling pre-bottled breast milk in all of their stores. Super Wal-Marts across the country will sell the breast milk, which is to be pumped from lactating women in Indonesia, at their low prices as soon as March 2015, according to company executives. The breast milk will be imported to the U.S., and donors will receive approximately seven American dollars per gallon. All women selected will have healthy, tasty, drug and disease free breast milk ready for retail.

“This is profitable for us for so many reasons. But most importantly, there will always be babies. Out of all those babies, millions of them have moms who shop at Wal-Mart and don’t want to breastfeed. In the end, it benefits everyone,” said Wal-Mart executive Brent McGee. “It’s going to be affordable, and it’s going to fill your baby up. It’s also guaranteed to make your baby cry less, and smile more.”

McGee is right. Moms across America have expressed excitement about this new addition to Wal-Mart shelves. “I don’t want to breastfeed, and I can’t afford nor do I appreciate the ingredients that can be found in the formula,” said loyal Wal-Mart customer and soon-to-be mom Krystall Cooper of Lexington, Kentucky. “When this baby gets out of me, I want to drink all the Franzia wine I want, and that’s just not possible with breastfeeding. A girl’s gotta live! Even when she has a baby.”

Lauren Tooney of Tucson, Arizona feels relief. “I already have three kids to take to soccer practice, water polo practice, elocution lessons, piano practice, scuba diving, modeling classes, and I’ve got another kid on the way. I’d love to breastfeed, but I don’t have the time, and my God – have you seen the prices for formula? I can’t breastfeed it while I’m driving, but that was what I was planning on doing before I heard about this amazing Wal-Mart breast milk.”

McGee says that the milk will be part of their Great Value brand, and will be able to be purchased in half or full-gallon sizes, just as regular milk is sold.

Wal-Mart Laying Off Cashiers; Customers Must Use Self-Checkout Or Pay Fee

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – Wal-Mart Laying Off Cashiers; Customers Must Use Self-Checkout Or Pay Fee

A Wal-Mart spokesperson has announced that the chain will be doing away with the majority of their cashiers and front-end staff in an attempt to further automate the check-out process. Shoppers will still be able to use an employee-manned register, but will be charged a ten percent convenience fee for doing so.

“We have gotten a lot of bad press recently about the wages we pay our employees. In light of this, we have decided to automate more of the functions in our Supercenters, which will alleviate some of the positions that are receiving this ‘insufficient pay’ that you’ve been reading about,” said Bill Harley, a representative for Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.

In total, Wal-Mart plans to lay off ninety percent of their cashier workforce. Most Supercenters are already equipped with self-checkout technology, and the plan is to double the number of machines they already have and almost totally eliminate the human element from their stores.

While the company feels that the move is both inevitable and a great way to cut payroll and insurance expenses, employees see it differently. Mary Ann Waltrip, a Wal-Mart employee of five years, is very angry about the announcement.

“This company would be nothing without their employees. We built this thing. It was our labor, our dedication, that made it possible for a little chain from Arkansas to grow into this giant. This is how they repay us? They cut us off like a tumor at the first opportunity? They cannibalized us. They used us for our backs and our livelihood, and now they are casting us aside.”

Employees aren’t the only ones feeling alienated by the shift in policy. Customers are agitated by the prospect of choosing between a machine that doesn’t have the best record of user-friendliness, or paying a fee to use a service that used to be free. Jim Bob Devereaux, a longtime Wal-Mart shopper, says he is considering a switch.

“Hell, I figure we pay for the cashiers when we buy their products. I ain’t using no damn computer to buy my goods. Next thing you know, they’ll be tracking my purchases and telling the government about how many boxes of bullets I bought this month. That’s none of their damn business. If Wal-Mart wants to treat customers and employees like we aren’t important, I’ll buy my bullets somewhere else.”

Wal-Mart has fielded some of the criticism for the new direction they are heading.

“When we employed all these people, all they did was complain about their jobs. Now that they are out of work, they vilify us for letting them go. When you are as big as we are as a company, there will be criticism no matter which course you take; so in this case, we are taking the course that will save us millions of dollars. If our former employees had valued their jobs, they could have kept them by not exposing us to so much bad publicity. You can’t bite the hand that feeds and expect to keep eating.”

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