Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

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Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

New Law Requires Kim Kardashian to Obtain Permit to Have More Kids

New Law Requires Kim Kardashian to Obtain Permit to Have More Kids

MIAMI, Florida – 

Kim Kardashian has made no secret of her burning desire for another child. The mother of one apparently wants a sibling for North, in order to help the firstborn through the travails of having been named after a direction. However, the socialite has hit a major obstacle, in that a new law has been passed, requiring Kardashian to get a permit to have any further children.

“There has been much talk in the past of possible permit laws for any citizen to have children, with jail time for failing to comply,” said the creator of the bill, Jim Fountain. “I mean, you need a permit to go fishing, know what I’m saying? It’s been called impractical, which I understand, but with Kim it would just be far too irresponsible to allow her to have kids without qualification.”

The text of the law listed a number of reasons for singling Kardashian out:

  1. Calling her daughter North West is a low point for any mother
  2. She’s famous for a sex tape and nothing more
  3. She garnered public attention by balancing a champagne glass on her naked butt
  4. She’s famous for a fucking sex tape!!!
  5. The father would likely be Kanye West – I wouldn’t trust him with a burrito, let alone a child; it’s a wonder that no one has stepped in to prevent him being around North
  6. Her claim to fame is a sex tape – seriously, what is the world coming to? Well, her sex tape I guess…

Kardashian herself is yet to comment, but husband Kanye released a clip on YouTube, in which he rambled about the injustice of the law.

“Kim is the greatest mother that ever lived, she’s got the greatest daddy right here, I’m a genius and that makes her genius by association. Haters are out there tryna get back at us for being so perfect.”

But he admitted that conception is unlikely in any case.

“While we fuckin, she says to me, she says ‘Imma let you finish’, and then she pulls away, and so I never get to finish. She thinks it’s funny. Seriously, woman. Maybe she shouldn’t have kids.”

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

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