World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

Pittsburgh Steelers Give Tryout To First Female Player

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – Pittsburgh Steelers Tryout First Female Player

It used to be that women in the NFL were cheerleaders. Until recently, there has been a few novelty football leagues such as the Women’s Lingerie Football League (LFL) or the Independent Women’s Football League (IWFL); however, much like Women’s Basketball there is not much of an audience for these games. Other than the occasional “wardrobe malfunction” with the LFL, there really is not much excitement to these games.

With the recent ‘War on Women’ in the political arena, the NFL has decided to take a serious request in considering allowing female players in the NFL, when a request from 24-year-old Kaitlyn Saunders of Erie, PA arrived at St. Vincent College in Latrobe Pennsylvania requesting to try out as a kicker.

“I felt bad, but I told her this was the practice field and we don’t hold walk-on tryouts,” said Dan Calbright, spokesman for the Steelers coaching staff.

Traveling with her father and brother, Kaitlyn made the three hour trek just for a chance to try on the Black and Gold.

“I played soccer for years and I can really put a good boot on the ball,” Kaitlyn said with a toothy smile.

“She’s got a real strong leg,” her brother, Todd Saunders reported. “We were goofin’ off and she actually made a 53 yard goal.” Kaitlyn’s father backed up the story and stated they had her do it several times just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

A spokesman for Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, stated they would give consideration to Kaitlyn pending an evaluation from Pittsburgh’s special teams coach, Danny Smith. When word of Kaitlyn’s skills made it back to Art Rooney, she was invited back to the Steeler’s main practice facility on Pittsburgh’s south side where she met with Danny Smith and the rest of the special team coaches.

“She’s an outstanding kicker and clearly has a strong leg,” Dan Smith reported. “She made a 58-yard kick at our south side facility.” Kaitlyn was 12 for 16 on the day during her invitational workouts, missing two from 45 yards out that she simply didn’t get enough lift on. They were knocked down by a net that is set up for the drill to ensure proper height. Kaitlyn also missed one from 50 yards out and another from 40 yards away.

Coach Smith gave no indication as to whether or not they would recommend Kaitlyn for an actual combine try out, however Roger Goodell’s office is making the consideration a possibility. When asked about drafting such a player, Danny Smith said, “If she’s invited to the combine I’d give her some serious consideration.”

“I’m just hoping that I can open up a couple barriers for the NFL next season,” said Kaitlyn. “They’ve seen what I can do, and now we’ll play the waiting game.”

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