Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

New Study Finds That Babies Fed Formula Over Breastmilk More Likely To Become Gay



A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.

The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.

“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”

Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.

Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.

Bodybuilder Accused Of Murder Found ‘Too Fit’ To Stand Trial


SAN DIEGO, California – 

Carl Jones, a professional bodybuilder from San Diego was found too fit to stand trial after he was accused of murdering his former lover, Cindy Mays.

A grand jury of his peers found that Jones was in too good of shape to be put through the harrowing legal proceedings that would have ensued in a murder case. A person being ‘too fit’ to stand trial is rare, but not unheard of.

“Oftentimes, as is the case with the law, things work out very oddly,” said lawyer Jackson Pooler. “Many times, a person is declared unfit to stand trial. This is usually because they are mentally unstable or unsound. In the case of Mr. Jones, my client, the grand jury found that he was too fit – a long, drawn-out court case would be detrimental to his health.”

Jones says that he works out over 9 hours a day, and eats in excess of 20,000 calories.

“There is no way that I’d be able to maintain this physique and, in essence, my health, if I had to stand trial,” said Jones. “In this case, the jury has made the correct decision, and I am just overjoyed that I can now continue making sure that I live as clean and healthy a life as possible.”

Man Completely Flushes Diabetes From Body By Drinking 100 Gallons of Water


JONESVILLE, Florida – 

A 230-pound man, George Lewis, says that he completely rid his body of type-2 diabetes by drinking nothing but water – over 100 gallons in total – over a week-long period.

“My doctor told me I needed to be more hydrated, and stop eating so much crap,” said Lewis, 37. “I was a diabetic, and I didn’t want to die. So I started drinking more and more water, and then I realized I couldn’t stop drinking water. Over a week, I drank over 100 gallons. About 15 jugs a day.”

According to Lewis and his doctors, the former construction worker is no free of diabetes, with blood sugar levels at around 87.

“It’s amazing, really. The first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Lewis’ physician. “I told him to get some more fluids, and get some exercise, but he took this to heart. I’m glad he went above and beyond. His body is working like a champ.”

“Thing of it is, when I had diabetes, I was peeing probably every hour or so. Like a pregnant woman,” said Lewis. “After my water battle, I’m peeing every 10 minutes or so; have been for about 3 weeks. In the end, though, it’s all good. At least I’m disease free.”

Man Licks Doorknobs, Toilet Seats To Build Immunity Against Germs


GARDNER, Indiana –

Bill Hicks can boast an immune system better than most, but the measures he has taken to obtain it are shocking. Hicks has licked everything from door handles to toilet seats in an attempt to come in contact with the most germs as possible. He has been banned from local schools, public libraries, and most shopping malls after attempting to collect used tissues from the bathrooms.

“That was real disappointing, getting banned from schools,” said Hicks. “Kids have all the germs. It was a lot easier when I could just go into a school and come in contact with all the strains of cold and flus going around at once.

Hicks says it all started out when his friend bet him that he would not lick a bathroom stall at a bar. Seeing he was willing to degrade himself, other patrons began making a game of betting Hicks he wouldn’t do disgusting things for a drink.

“Truth is I got real sick. Then I thought to myself, but now I’m immune to those germs. It became a hobby.”

Hicks claims that in the last 5 years, he hasn’t gotten the cold or flu.

“I’ll continue to get as many germs as possible just so I never get sick,” said Hicks. “So far, my method seems pretty flawless.”

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation


ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

Kellog’s To Bring Back Anti-Masturbation Stance In New Marketing Materials


BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

A lot of people don’t know this about Kellog’s Brand cereals, but one of the original members of the company, John Harvey Kellog, was a staunch anti-masturbator. The man, along with his brother, company founder William Kellog, invented the Corn Flakes cereal as a way to curb masturbation, and JH Kellog was a leader in the Anti-Masturbation Movement.

Over the years, the Kellog company has tried to distance itself from this stance, but a recent shocking announcement from the company claims that they are looking to bring back the anti-masturbation themes in their marketing, hoping to keep young children from harming themselves with what Kellog called “the worst evil [one] could commit.”

“We at Kellog’s brands have decided that the time is right to bring back the anti-masturbation league, and teach children – and adults – about the dangers of masturbation,” said current Kellog’s brands CEO Tyler Warner. “Our founders believed in healthy lifestyles, and we want to promote that the best way we can. Starting immediately, Kellog’s brand products and cereals will include pamphlets about anti-masturbation, as well as facts about the dangers masturbating can cause.”

Most parents groups seem extremely pleased with the announcement, with Kellog’s stock shooting up over 20 points since the original plan was made public. Kellog’s said they plan to approach Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to appear in new cereal advertising.


Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic


DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’


TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

New Study Finds That Most Probiotics Don’t Do Anything To Aid Health, Digestion



Most of the strains of probiotics out there do nothing to improve digestive health according to a recent product study, but the claim of digestive health is so common thanks to lax FDA rules on medical claims; Most strains on the market are completely ineffective or at least not proven effective.

UCLA researcher Adrienne Labrosse says they have found most probiotics tested have little to no effect. They may not even have live bacteria by the time the consumer uses the product.

“Unless you have your own petri dish and microscope at home, there’s no way to tell what you’re ingesting even has live cultures. The FDA does not require the strains to be listed, so it is difficult for the consumer to tell the difference between one probiotic and the next, and there are hundreds of different species,” said Labrosse. “Even researchers are unsure what strain does what in the digestive process. They know there is naturally occurring bacteria in the gut, and assume it helps digestion, but at this point it’s mostly a bunch of speculation.”

Probiotic user Deborah Nutter insists she has seen improvements in her health and will continue using these products. “I love my microscopic little friends. I like to thank them by name as I eat them. Thank you, Mr. Lactobacilli. I love you, little L Plantarum. I love those guys. They make my tummy so happy, and my shits are as regular as a baby’s.”

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