WASHINGTON, D.C. –
You probably missed it on your ballot last November, but a bill to make masturbation illegal was listed on the voter cards for all 50 states, mixed in with other major bills including ones looking to defund certain parts of the education budget, as well as the legalization of marijuana.
Bill #69H8R was introduced in 6 states, to what lawmakers are saying was “probably a huge mistake.”
“We don’t think that many people really read their ballots, and arbitrarily chose yes and no on certain questions,” said Rep. Joe Miller (D-Vermont). “They were rushing to get to the choice for president. It happens every four years, really. Some stupid law gets pushed through with very little notice or fanfare. Unfortunately, this new law will cause some severe problems in several states.”
Vermont, Georgia, New Hampshire, Idaho, Mississippi, and Delaware all voted to outlaw masturbation, in a law that will take effect April 1st. The bill was backed by staunch anti-masturbator Ted Cruz.
Naturally, people in all states are extremely upset.
“I definitely didn’t vote to outlaw whacking off,” said Idaho resident Mike Simon. “I jerk it at least twice a day, sometimes more. Are you telling me that I’m a criminal now? How the hell am I going to release tension after a long day at work?”
Several question how the government and police plan to enforce this law, but Miller says that goes hand-in-hand with recent news about CIA leaks.
“The government is always watching. We will see you masturbate through your webcams, your TVs, your phones, and your microwaves,” said Miller. “No matter what room in your own home you try to jack it in, someone will see you.”