JACKMAN, Mississippi –
Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.
“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”
Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.
“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”
Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.
GARDNER, Indiana –
Bill Hicks can boast an immune system better than most, but the measures he has taken to obtain it are shocking. Hicks has licked everything from door handles to toilet seats in an attempt to come in contact with the most germs as possible. He has been banned from local schools, public libraries, and most shopping malls after attempting to collect used tissues from the bathrooms.
“That was real disappointing, getting banned from schools,” said Hicks. “Kids have all the germs. It was a lot easier when I could just go into a school and come in contact with all the strains of cold and flus going around at once.
Hicks says it all started out when his friend bet him that he would not lick a bathroom stall at a bar. Seeing he was willing to degrade himself, other patrons began making a game of betting Hicks he wouldn’t do disgusting things for a drink.
“Truth is I got real sick. Then I thought to myself, but now I’m immune to those germs. It became a hobby.”
Hicks claims that in the last 5 years, he hasn’t gotten the cold or flu.
“I’ll continue to get as many germs as possible just so I never get sick,” said Hicks. “So far, my method seems pretty flawless.”
BALTIMORE, Maryland –
The Environmental Protection Agency is warning of a new issue threatening the global eco-system, claiming that toilet paper has become one of their top ‘harmful’ items.
“Toilet paper is becoming a serious threat to environmental safety,” said EPA spokesman Carl Roy. “Over the year, the toilet paper flushed by millions of Americans every day has backed up into our oceans and streams. Rivers everywhere are filling with used toilet paper, and it’s becoming something of an epidemic. Coupled that with the increase in use of ‘scented’ toilet paper, which contains harmful chemicals, and we’re in for a bleak future.”
Roy says that those interested in helping to reduce toilet paper waste can revert back to methods used in the “old days,” including washing and re-using rags for wiping, or, in harsher cases, corn cobs or wool fillings.
“At the turn of the century, it was not uncommon for people to use whatever they had to wipe and cleanse themselves,” said Roy. “Corn cobs were a particularly popular item, as after you have eaten the corn, the remaining cob is wet and soft – perfect for wiping one’s buttocks to remove feces.”
Roy says that if Americans don’t change their wiping habits, the next several years will see a drastic increase in polluted water.