EPA Warns Toilet Paper Is Becoming ‘Extremely Harmful’ To Environment

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

The Environmental Protection Agency is warning of a new issue threatening the global eco-system, claiming that toilet paper has become one of their top ‘harmful’ items.

“Toilet paper is becoming a serious threat to environmental safety,” said EPA spokesman Carl Roy. “Over the year, the toilet paper flushed by millions of Americans every day has backed up into our oceans and streams. Rivers everywhere are filling with used toilet paper, and it’s becoming something of an epidemic. Coupled that with the increase in use of ‘scented’ toilet paper, which contains harmful chemicals, and we’re in for a bleak future.”

Roy says that those interested in helping to reduce toilet paper waste can revert back to methods used in the “old days,” including washing and re-using rags for wiping, or, in harsher cases, corn cobs or wool fillings.

“At the turn of the century, it was not uncommon for people to use whatever they had to wipe and cleanse themselves,” said Roy. “Corn cobs were a particularly popular item, as after you have eaten the corn, the remaining cob is wet and soft – perfect for wiping one’s buttocks to remove feces.”

Roy says that if Americans don’t change their wiping habits, the next several years will see a drastic increase in polluted water.

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.