EPA Warns Toilet Paper Is Becoming ‘Extremely Harmful’ To Environment

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

The Environmental Protection Agency is warning of a new issue threatening the global eco-system, claiming that toilet paper has become one of their top ‘harmful’ items.

“Toilet paper is becoming a serious threat to environmental safety,” said EPA spokesman Carl Roy. “Over the year, the toilet paper flushed by millions of Americans every day has backed up into our oceans and streams. Rivers everywhere are filling with used toilet paper, and it’s becoming something of an epidemic. Coupled that with the increase in use of ‘scented’ toilet paper, which contains harmful chemicals, and we’re in for a bleak future.”

Roy says that those interested in helping to reduce toilet paper waste can revert back to methods used in the “old days,” including washing and re-using rags for wiping, or, in harsher cases, corn cobs or wool fillings.

“At the turn of the century, it was not uncommon for people to use whatever they had to wipe and cleanse themselves,” said Roy. “Corn cobs were a particularly popular item, as after you have eaten the corn, the remaining cob is wet and soft – perfect for wiping one’s buttocks to remove feces.”

Roy says that if Americans don’t change their wiping habits, the next several years will see a drastic increase in polluted water.

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

Severe Tree Shortage Means U.S. Forest Service Layoffs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Severe Tree Shortage Means U.S. Forest Service Layoffs

A nationwide tree shortage has resulted in severe cutbacks to employees of the US Forest Service.

“With fewer trees, we require fewer personnel,” said Charles Conifer, Forest Service Ranger.  “I never thought things would come to this.  We were never really affected by the bad economy, but this is something else, this is Mother Nature’s doing, we think.”

Changing weather patterns affect growth cycles. Some varieties of trees adapt better to changing environmental conditions, while other trees have a built-in “time clock.”  Could the answer be tied in with the devastation that bee colonies have recently suffered?

Tree pollination expert Dr. Ahthea Thoone spoke at a US Forest Service luncheon last week and presented her ideas on bee colony decline and how it relates to the tree shortage crisis.  “The ratio of bee colony failure coincides with the loss of trees across the northern hemisphere,” said Thoone. “I also wouldn’t rule out hoarding; that is, squirrels and other forest inhabitants securing pine cones and seeds, in reaction to their environment being taken over by land development.  The data is fascinating,” she added.

The destructive force of nature also plays a part.  During 2014 in California alone, over 1,400 forest fires broke out, with some wildfires larger than 50,000 acres in size.  The Santa Ana Winds, nicknamed “devil winds,” fan wildfires along California’s coast, mostly during autumn and winter. When those resulting fires burn out or are extinguished, what’s left is a barren landscape, and fewer trees to take care of.

It takes about 6 years to grow a tree 8 feet tall,” said Conifer, “and during that time there’s not a lot to do but sit around and wait.  We had to let people go. I couldn’t keep people on the payroll idly waiting for a forest to be repopulated,” he said.

Ironically, some of the forest personnel who lost their jobs became homeless and resorted to living in the same woods they once patrolled.  “Hopefully, the cycle soon will be broken, and tree growth will return to acceptable levels. I know I certainly hope so,” said Conifer. “It’s a real tragedy. And I hate living out in the woods. They’re a nice place to patrol, but I really don’t want to live here.”

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

CHICAGO, Illinois – Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.


Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

OAK BLUFFS, Massachusetts – Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

Day 5 of President Barack Obama’s annual vacation to the resort island community of Martha’s Vineyard was met with dismay and controversy, when a fresh-water pond was drained so that a commemorative golf ball could be retrieved.

During an early round of play at the exclusive Farm Neck Golf Club located in the town of Oak Bluffs, an unidentified member of the President’s entourage hit a ball into a pond facing the eastern edge of the course.  The water hazard is located above a natural aquifer made up of sand and gravel, and serves as an essential ground water filter.

Cal Silva, Environmental Quality Officer for Dukes County remarked, “The natural purifying system provided by the aquifer is indispensable for proper environmental balance, not only for this locale, but also for the entire Island.  We learned today that the pond was drained by executive order without our consent.  A homeowner whose property abuts the golf course informed me when he noticed that dredging of the pond had started, and quite honestly, I was shocked.  The health and well-being of local shellfish and wildlife may very well be severely compromised due to this,” added Silva.

Reaction spread quickly throughout this closely-knit community, made up of year-rounders, summer residents, and day-trippers. Cafe owner Suzanne North expressed a commonly shared opinion.

“This the kind of place where you leave things the way you found them, especially when it comes to nature.  It’s unfathomable to me how this was allowed to happen, and all for a golf ball?  This is one of the few places left where people can share something special.  A lot of my regulars are very upset about it.”

Cafe patron Roland Sanders commented, “They [the President and his family] keep a pretty low profile around here normally, except for when they come in town to one of the restaurants.  You wouldn’t hardly know they’re here until the whole Secret Service shows up and whatnot, so that’s pretty exciting because you know he’s close by.  But this thing with the pond has made a lot of people a little uncomfortable now.  It’s like they took charge all of a sudden and changed the way things work without first thinking about the Vineyard or asking anybody.”

Not everyone in the town was as upset at the situation as Sanders, though. Several avid golfers from the area say they completely understood losing a ball in that water trap.

“I’ve golfed at Farm Neck many, many times,” said resident Henry Bellows. “I’ve lost countless balls to that pond. If I had the power to have it drained to get them back, I would have. Now that it’s happened, though, I am tempted to sneak down there with a bucket and pick up some free balls.”

Quality officer Silva expressed optimism that the natural balance could be restored if enough rainfall replenishes the now drained wetland.

“Nature has a way of taking care of itself.  Already there are a number of birds who are feeding at the marshland that was created by this event, so that’s a benefit in a strange way which we’ve not been able to observe before.  I can only hope for the best, but my office will be meeting with the President’s staff and I’ve personally requested a meeting with the head of the EPA.  She’s a New Englander, so I know she understands the island and how strongly we feel about this.”

According to reports, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy, a Greater Boston area resident, would soon be traveling to the island, located 4 miles from the Massachusetts coastline. President Obama would not comment on the incident, but a representative from the White House said that the environment has always been important to the President and his family.

“This was a really important golf ball, though,” he added. “One of a kind. In case you are wondering, we were able to retrieve the ball after draining the pond, so it was not a total loss.”

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