Vandals Set Fire To Famous ‘Home Alone’ House

WINNETKA, Illinois – Vandals Set Fire To Famous 'Home Alone' House

Last week, movie fans held their faces in their hands and screamed – just like young Macaulay Culkin did in the 1990 film Home Alone – when news broke that the northern Illinois Georgian mansion used for many of the film’s scenes was heavily damaged in a fire authorities are calling ‘suspicious.’

Sold in 2012 for nearly $1.6 million dollars, the house has its share of “drive by fans” – movie lovers who stop by to take a picture, just to say they were there. “One of those fans, we think,” said fire chief Bill Carrey, “got carried away and wanted to leave his mark. There was evidence left behind that suggested the fire was deliberately set.”

Nevertheless, conspiracy theories are popping up across the internet. SuperTriviaFanTed suggested in a blog post that actor Joe Pesci, irritated that he could not use his usual foul-mouthed vocabulary in the family oriented film, used his so-called “connections to the mob” to exact his revenge by torching the house. The Chicago Tribune has received anonymous emails saying that because Macaulay Culkin mimicked Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream,” the restless spirit of the distressed Norwegian artist set the house ablaze. The most popular theory, though, is that Daniel Stern, the actor who played Marv, one of the ‘Wet Bandits’ alongside Joe Pesci, got bored and set the fire himself. Stern hasn’t been relevant in films in over a decade, and the fire could have been his way of making a name for himself once more.

Several other famous ‘movie set’ houses have fallen victim to sudden “fame” once more. The famous Amityville Horror house was besieged with visitors after an article appearing in Good Housekeeping magazine renewed interest in the property. Even after changes in the landscape and modifications to doors and windows were made, crowds still flocked to the house, causing problems for the new homeowners and their neighbors.

“Yes, I’ve heard the theories and funny jokes,” said Carrey, “but we’re going to go with arson. We detected traces of kerosene on the premises. We’ve gotten all sorts of prank calls from people who ask ‘Was the little boy home alone during the fire? Was he hurt? Did he set the house on fire?’ Things like that. I guess it’s all fun and games, but it takes up a lot of the department’s time. We deal in facts and this is a crime scene, not a reality show.”

Carrey is confident that the perpetrators will be identified and apprehended soon. “Everybody’s got security cameras now. These dumb vandals don’t stop and think everything they do, someone’s got them on camera. Also, there are only a few gas stations nearby that sell kerosene, so we’ll have this wrapped up soon.”

Winnetka police are reviewing neighbors’ security camera data and expect to release images of persons of interest to local media by the end of the week.

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

CHICAGO, Illinois – Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.


Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

NORTH AURORA, Illinois – Garage Mechanic Charged With Battery

Garrett Nelson should be at work at Bates Auto Body in North Aurora, Illinois, but instead, he’s in a holding cell with bruised knuckles and a sprained ankle.

Aurora Beacon-News’ local crime reporter, Peter Lazenby, discovered the 38-year-old Nelson sitting by himself in the holding cell, and decided to strike up a conversation.

“It was obvious he had gotten into a fight,” said Lazenby.  “He was pretty bruised up.  I told him I was a reporter and he said he knew my name because he reads my ‘Pete’s Beat’ police blotter column.  Our talk turned into an interview, so I ended up doing a human-interest story on him.  Turns out this guy really has led an interesting life.  Also the fact that a mechanic was charged with battery – I mean the thing practically wrote itself!”

Lazenby shared a section of the conversation with Empire News.

Peter Lazenby:  Do you mind if I ask what happened?

Garrett Nelson:  I took a swing at a guy who was trying to tell me how to do my job.

PL:  Where do you work?

GN: Bates Auto Body on River Road.

PL:  How did the fight start?

GN:  I promised to have this guy’s car finished by 3:00, but things got backed up since a school bus packed full of singing nuns broke down right in front of the shop.  I spent about 2 hours fixing them up, so then the guy comes back and asks me how come his car isn’t ready.

PL:  Did you tell him about the singing nuns?

GN:  Yeah, but he said it wasn’t his problem.  He was this suit-and-tie guy, on his phone the whole time, kinda rude.  Then he says he had a cousin who’s a mechanic and I was working too slow.

PL:  Why didn’t the guy just go to his cousin?

GN:  That’s what I asked him and it kind of ticked him off.  I told him we had a waiting room, but he said he’d rather ‘keep an eye on me out here.’  That’s just how he said it:  ‘keep an eye on me.’  Well, that really frosted my ass.  What did he think was I gonna do?  Take a dump in his car or something?  So he keeps on staring, and the next thing I know, I’m swinging at him; he’s swinging at me — he calls the police, but guess who gets stuck in here — me!”

Barrett was charged with simple battery and was confident he would be released soon.

“One customer who comes in to my shop all the time with his hybrid, he’s a lawyer, so I called him up,” said Barrett.  He brings his car in at least once a month.  God, those hybrids are crap on 4 wheels!  Anyway, I heard him say something about ‘dropping the charges,’ so I think I’ll be out of here soon.  The guy who I took a poke at left about a half hour ago.”

Barrett was released an hour later in a better mood than when he arrived.

“Hey, am I gonna be famous?” he joked, limping out of the police station.  “I never thought I’d be reading about me like this!  I might turn into a big-time celebrity!”

“Careful what you wish for!” answered Lazenby.

Lazenby’s full article will appear in this Sunday’s Beacon-News as a special feature to ‘Pete’s Beat.’

County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

KANKAKEE, Illinois – County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

Below the soft, puffy, huggable exterior of Wooly Bully, the prize winning sheep at this year’s Kankakee, Illinois county fair, lurked a dangerous and life threatening agent of death.

Raised by Ricky Henderson as a 4-H project, the former lamb was a kind and gentle playmate, not only for 11-year-old Ricky, but also for his younger brother, 8-year-old Todd.  If they survive, it is the hospital staff’s sad duty to inform them that they are now orphans.  The youngster’s parents succumbed to the deadly anthrax bacterium days ago.

Both boys now cling to life, placed in a medically induced coma and isolated far away in the Acute Care and Infectious Disease Wing of Riverside Medical Group, located not far from the gently flowing Kankanee River.

“Oh, it’s definitely anthrax poisoning,” said Dr. Harriet Durville, infectious disease specialist.  “Let’s not forget this is essentially a bacterial disease transmitted by animals.  Filthy, disgusting, smelly animals that humans choose to come into contact with.  ‘Dogs are pets, not sheep,’ I tell all my patients.”

Word travels quickly in this closely-knit, northern Illinois city of roughly 27,000.  “It’s just so sad,” said Milly Jacobsen, bank teller.  “We all watched Ricky raise that sheep from when it was born, and now, … if I had only known, I would have slit its throat during the night a long time ago and no one would have been the wiser!  Such a shame,” she added.

Hundred of fairgoers have streamed into nearby clinics, complaining of symptoms of anthrax infection:  fever, chills, blisters, nausea and vomiting, head and body aches being the most common ailments.  “Most of the cases are just psychosomatic,” said Dr. Durville.  “People are just panicked.  After they hear that a simple antibiotic shot or 3 days of pills can clear up any complications, they relax about it.”

Naturally occurring animal-to-human anthrax disease rarely infects mass numbers of victims, whereas the deliberate malicious release of the bacterium for terroristic purposes can infect many at one time.  “There’s a fear factor involved,” said Durville.  “The bio-terrorists have really put a bad name on anthrax,” she added.

“Remember when people were afraid to open their mail?  That’s going to start all over again, ‘til the next big scare comes along, probably,” Dr. Durville added.

So far, the spread of the disease seems to be held in check. The National Center For Disease Control has reportedly been notified by the hospital, but doctors were informed that until the number of confirmed cases gets above 100, the CDC will not step in.

“When we take those boys out of the medically induced coma we put them in and if they make it through, it’s going to be a sad day around here. I may just take that day off,” said Durville.

Illinois Nursing Home Contends With Shocking Elder Abuse Scandal

ST. CHARLES, Illinois – Illinois Nursing Home Deals With Shocking Elder Abuse Scandal

From the outside, Grouse Lane Manor looks like every other modest development along the Fox River Valley.  Located one hour west of Chicago, the ranch style residence appears tranquil and inviting.  But beyond the gently sloping front lawn, easy-open doors and slip-resistant entry ramp, another scene was unfolding.

“Oh, it was a nightmare!” said current Activities Director Verna Andersen.  “We had a group of ringleaders who took over and turned things upside down.  They were nothing but a gang of senior thugs. It was elder abuse, alright. Abuse by the elders themselves!”

Janitor Henry Puce added, “The things I saw I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! I had to replace all my broom handles and mops.”

Andersen recalls that the trouble began when 84 year-old resident Joseph “Big C” Carlstadt began complaining about things.

“First it was desserts he didn’t like. Next he said he wasn’t getting a fair shake about choosing television shows,” said Andersen. “Then he thought the front lawn was his front lawn. He started yelling at everyone to get off of it. Things went downhill fast.”

‘Big C’ managed to persuade a number of residents to stage a revolt.  “He was tricky, that guy,” recalls janitor Puce.  “He got some of the good ones to go bad and once that got started, we didn’t stand a chance.  We were outnumbered.”

Puce revealed several bruises on his arms and legs, injuries received while he was the brunt of the residents’ rage.

“One lady, Mrs. Talley, she spread some pills down right outside my utility closet, and when I went to sweep them up, she hit me with her walking stick until I promised to mop the floors ‘til she said they was clean enough to eat off of.  I never could get them clean enough for her, and she kept on hitting me with that stick…Then she made me eat off of the floor anyway.”

The emergency alert system and all phones were hacked by retired electronics technician Gene Sampson.  “We were trapped,” said Andersen.  “The worst of it was one day when I was setting up our social night, which we called ‘Carbon Dating.’  While I was distracted, all the emergency buttons were rewired and the phones were too.”

Order was restored after Puce was able to crawl through a heating and ventilation duct and break through a wall.  “I ran for my life to the nearest house and finally got ahold of the police.  I’m just lucky to be alive,” he said. “And extremely thankful.”

An Illinois Department of Health investigation is ongoing.  Residents who participated in the abuse have been separated and moved to other facilities.

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois – Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.



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