Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

MEMPHIS, Tennessee – Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.


Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

CHICAGO, Illinois – Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.


Whole Foods Market Becomes First Company To Require Employees To Have Visible Tattoos

AUSTIN, Texas – whole foods market becomes first company to require visible tattoos

In what many people are claiming is a publicity stunt to show they are a hip, young company, Whole Foods Market became the first company in the country to require that all of their store employees have visible tattoos.

Despite becoming more and more popular over the years, tattoos still have a stigma attached to them, especially from older generations. With many people today, both young and old, getting tattoos, Whole Foods said that they want to create a great, fun environment in a somewhat stagnant job market for anyone with body art.

“I personally don’t have any tattoos, but I think it’s a beautiful, creative way to express yourself,” said John Elstrott, CEO of Whole Foods Market, INC. “We decided, after numerous focus groups and discussions amongst our board members, that we want our employees to show off their creative sides. We want them all to have visible tattoos.”

Despite writing into their company’s regulations that they want everyone to be tattooed, that does not mean that current non-tattooed employees are losing their jobs.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” said Elstrott. “For our current employees who don’t have [visible] tattoos, we expect that you will go and get, at your cost, a long sleeve shirt and/or long pants. If you do not have visible tattoos, we don’t want your bare skin showing. Of course, you can always go out and get a tattoo yourself!”

Current employees of Whole Foods seem divided on the subject. Many of their employees have tattoos currently, but had to cover them up before the new rule. Others who had no tattoos, say that they don’t have any because they weren’t interested in getting one.

“I never got a tattoo because I didn’t want one. I like that I can wear short sleeve shorts to work,” said store supervisor Michelle Pickford. “Now they’re saying I actually have to go out and get a long-sleeve shirt, or get tattooed? It’s ridiculous. I made a life choice to not get a tattoo. What does that have to do with what kind of worker I am?”

“Personally, I think it’s the best damn thing any company has ever done for its employees,” said Joe Goldsmith, a stock supervisor at the Whole Foods store in Brockton, Massachusetts. “I’m covered in tattoos from my neck down to my wrists, and I’ve been stuck wearing long sleeve, turtleneck shirts my entire 4 years at Whole Foods. This is going to make next summer the best summer I’ve ever had working here.”

Whole Foods says that their new tattoo policy goes into effect starting August 1st. Per their current handbook, visible piercings are still forbidden.

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