MEMPHIS, Tennessee – 

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.