PETA Overjoyed As Leather To Become Illegal

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AUSTIN, Texas –

PETA members are ecstatic over the passing of a new law that would outlaw products from being made of leather, which is created using the hide of deal cows. The group has been petitioning for years to the government to stop allowing leather to be used for products where suitable alternatives are available, such as shoes and clothing, or furniture.

“We are so happy that the U.S. government has finally made a step in the right direction, with their plans to outlaw the leather trade,” said PETA spokesman Bunny Jones. “We have been working towards this step for many years, and through petitioning, protesting, and hard work, we were able to convince the government to outlaw the creation of new leather products.”

The law would not ban existing leather items or stop leather manufacturers from using their existing stock, but it would stop farmers from selling new hides to distributors.

“I’ve been making leather furniture, such as couches and chairs, for as long as I can remember,” said Bill Poxley of Utah. “This law is going to kill my business. I have enough material left for maybe another 100, 150 couches or chairs, and then I’m done. You can bet your ass that I’ll be charging a premium for these next sets, though.”

The government says that they are working with manufacturers and providing new materials, as well as tax breaks, to those that are looking to switch to alternative materials.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To AFrican Americans

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

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The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

CHICAGO, Illinois – Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.

 

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