EPA Warns Toilet Paper Is Becoming ‘Extremely Harmful’ To Environment

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

The Environmental Protection Agency is warning of a new issue threatening the global eco-system, claiming that toilet paper has become one of their top ‘harmful’ items.

“Toilet paper is becoming a serious threat to environmental safety,” said EPA spokesman Carl Roy. “Over the year, the toilet paper flushed by millions of Americans every day has backed up into our oceans and streams. Rivers everywhere are filling with used toilet paper, and it’s becoming something of an epidemic. Coupled that with the increase in use of ‘scented’ toilet paper, which contains harmful chemicals, and we’re in for a bleak future.”

Roy says that those interested in helping to reduce toilet paper waste can revert back to methods used in the “old days,” including washing and re-using rags for wiping, or, in harsher cases, corn cobs or wool fillings.

“At the turn of the century, it was not uncommon for people to use whatever they had to wipe and cleanse themselves,” said Roy. “Corn cobs were a particularly popular item, as after you have eaten the corn, the remaining cob is wet and soft – perfect for wiping one’s buttocks to remove feces.”

Roy says that if Americans don’t change their wiping habits, the next several years will see a drastic increase in polluted water.

EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

WASHINGTON, D.C. – EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair.  But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

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“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

OAK BLUFFS, Massachusetts – Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

Day 5 of President Barack Obama’s annual vacation to the resort island community of Martha’s Vineyard was met with dismay and controversy, when a fresh-water pond was drained so that a commemorative golf ball could be retrieved.

During an early round of play at the exclusive Farm Neck Golf Club located in the town of Oak Bluffs, an unidentified member of the President’s entourage hit a ball into a pond facing the eastern edge of the course.  The water hazard is located above a natural aquifer made up of sand and gravel, and serves as an essential ground water filter.

Cal Silva, Environmental Quality Officer for Dukes County remarked, “The natural purifying system provided by the aquifer is indispensable for proper environmental balance, not only for this locale, but also for the entire Island.  We learned today that the pond was drained by executive order without our consent.  A homeowner whose property abuts the golf course informed me when he noticed that dredging of the pond had started, and quite honestly, I was shocked.  The health and well-being of local shellfish and wildlife may very well be severely compromised due to this,” added Silva.

Reaction spread quickly throughout this closely-knit community, made up of year-rounders, summer residents, and day-trippers. Cafe owner Suzanne North expressed a commonly shared opinion.

“This the kind of place where you leave things the way you found them, especially when it comes to nature.  It’s unfathomable to me how this was allowed to happen, and all for a golf ball?  This is one of the few places left where people can share something special.  A lot of my regulars are very upset about it.”

Cafe patron Roland Sanders commented, “They [the President and his family] keep a pretty low profile around here normally, except for when they come in town to one of the restaurants.  You wouldn’t hardly know they’re here until the whole Secret Service shows up and whatnot, so that’s pretty exciting because you know he’s close by.  But this thing with the pond has made a lot of people a little uncomfortable now.  It’s like they took charge all of a sudden and changed the way things work without first thinking about the Vineyard or asking anybody.”

Not everyone in the town was as upset at the situation as Sanders, though. Several avid golfers from the area say they completely understood losing a ball in that water trap.

“I’ve golfed at Farm Neck many, many times,” said resident Henry Bellows. “I’ve lost countless balls to that pond. If I had the power to have it drained to get them back, I would have. Now that it’s happened, though, I am tempted to sneak down there with a bucket and pick up some free balls.”

Quality officer Silva expressed optimism that the natural balance could be restored if enough rainfall replenishes the now drained wetland.

“Nature has a way of taking care of itself.  Already there are a number of birds who are feeding at the marshland that was created by this event, so that’s a benefit in a strange way which we’ve not been able to observe before.  I can only hope for the best, but my office will be meeting with the President’s staff and I’ve personally requested a meeting with the head of the EPA.  She’s a New Englander, so I know she understands the island and how strongly we feel about this.”

According to reports, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy, a Greater Boston area resident, would soon be traveling to the island, located 4 miles from the Massachusetts coastline. President Obama would not comment on the incident, but a representative from the White House said that the environment has always been important to the President and his family.

“This was a really important golf ball, though,” he added. “One of a kind. In case you are wondering, we were able to retrieve the ball after draining the pond, so it was not a total loss.”

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