Tampax Releases Tampons Designed Specifically For Post-Op Transgendered Women

NEW BRIGHTON, California – 

Tampax,  a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.

“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”

According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.

“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”

The product is expected to hit the market next month.

‘Ultra Absorbent’ Tampons Blamed For 43 Deaths In California

SACRAMENTO, California – 

In a climate that is often very dry and barren, many women do not get enough fluids on a regular basis. This in itself can be hazardous enough, but when coupled with a new line of “ultra absorbent” tampons, the results have been deadly.

“Tampax released a new line of ‘super, ultra absorbent’ tampons earlier this year,” said Dr. Myles Kenifick. “Since that time, we have seen over 40 deaths of women who used them, as the tampons not only did their job in absorbing the monthly menses, but it also sucked out much of their body’s water as well.”

Dr. Kenefick says that most of the woman who died has used the tampons because of a “heavy flow,” but the tampons were so good at their job, they were actually absorbing water and nutrients from the body as well.

“We’ve come from an extremely dry year,” said Dr. Kenifick. “These women were already partially dehydrated, and not drinking enough water. With these tampons inserted, it was the last thing their body could handle.”

Dr. Kenefick is warning women who use any ultra absorbent tampons to stay extra hydrated. If that isn’t possible, he says that women should “stick to pads.”

Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.