MTV Announces Drastic Programming Change – They’re Going Back to Music Videos!

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel Will Show Music Videos Again

LOS ANGELES, California –

Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.

“We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here,” said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. “The people have spoken – in fact, they’ve been speaking for years – and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.”

It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name – “Music TV.” Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.

“The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age,” said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. “I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I don’t need MTV. But it’s still cool they’re willing to ruin their whole network just for the ‘fans’.”

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

LOS ANGELES, California – 

MTV have announced that they are in production of a groundbreaking new reality series, which will follow the early lives of future teen drug addicts. According to their statement, the show will begin its first run as early as January 2016, at which stage they will have footage of the protagonists’ sixth year of life, and will continue for at least nine seasons, at which stage the kids are expected to be full-fledged addicts.

“It’s more than just a reality show,” said producer Darren McArthur. “It’s a sociological experiment. We’ve selected kids from backgrounds which will clearly lead to a life of struggle with mental illness leading to addiction.”

There will be ten kids, consisting of five boys and five girls from poor socioeconomic circumstances, with parents who beat them and are already addicts themselves.

“We’re going to ensure that they go to schools with high levels of poverty and which are known to produce gangsters and drug dealers. That way, they won’t have a chance of coming out clean.”

The first season will feature footage of the children being beaten by inebriated parents, drinking alcohol left irresponsibly in accessible areas, and other things which will surely lead to them having few options in life.

“If any options open up to them, we’ll be sure to quell them. This show will only work if these kids go in the direction we see them following. It would not be fair to the other crew and cast members if one of the kids makes something of his or her life.”

We asked McArthur what he felt the series would bring to the lives of Americans, and if he could respond to potential moral objections.

“America needs to see the culture in which addiction is bred. Only then can we begin to stop the disease which is damaging our great nation. And if Americans can’t stomach the sight of kids being raised badly, they’re in the wrong country.”

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

Tom Hanks Stars in Forgotten Singer’s Music Video

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Beloved actor Tom Hanks’ latest role has been revealed and it’s a weird step sideways. He’s appeared in the music video for the new single of Carly Rae Jepson – a singer who many thought was better left forgotten. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize the ear worming chorus of 20-something-or-other hit, Call Me Maybe.

Now that that particular annoying tune is stuck in your head, you might want to head to YouTube, where you can find the unwanted comeback of the irritating nobody. Tom Hanks is one of the few enthusiasts.

“I really love that Carly’s making a comeback,” he told MTV. “She’s one of the great forgotten artist’s of our time. That song, Call Me Baby I think it was, was totes amazing. And the music video in which I think she hooks up with a car wash attendant – what a classic.”

#NeuralyzeUsFromCarlyRae is trending on Twitter, making reference to the device used in the Men In Black movies to cause people to forget specific incidents or knowledge.

“i had jst abt frgtn that fukn bitch. wy did she hafto cumbak” wrote loosewhore21.

“Obscurity – an island in the north where one hit wonders should settle” wrote a somewhat more eloquent TheRealKaiserWilhelm.

Fans of Tom Hanks have expressed their disappointment in bringing Jepson back into our lives. They believe that without his cameo, her music video would have passed under the radar, leaving us immune to her latest ear worm.

“The worst part is, it’s Tom Hanks whose career this reflects most on,” said lifelong fan, Hom Tanks. “If he’d appeared on a Lonely Island track, like all the cool stars do, that would be a step up. But this is hitting rock bottom. The only mitigating factor would be if it turns out he had an affair with her and she blackmailed him. That’s the only way my faith in Tom will ever be fully restored.”

At press time, Hanks had denied any lude affairs, saying, “I simply want to help a young girl – whoever thinks old dudes have sexual agendas with young girls is a pervert.”

Nicki Minaj Tells MTV Documentary Crew About Her Hardened Life of Crime

BRONX, New York – minaj3

In a new documentary, Nicki Minaj reveals just how far she had to go to live day-to-day before she made it to stardom. In MTV’s My Time Again, Minaj tells how she had to steal everything from bread to panties to survive.

“When I was a waitress at Red Lobster, I had to steal bread to eat from work,” said Minaj. “I’d stuff some biscuits into my apron, then I’d hide in a bathroom stall and stuff them into my face as fast as I could. They ended up firing me after a while. Not for the bread thing, though. Actually, that’s a pretty common thing for waitresses at most restaurants to do. They actually fired me because I was a rude bitch to customers. I lost about 15 jobs that way, no shit.”

Minaj, who now has her own line of branded clothing at K-Marts across the country, says the thinks it’s ‘super ironic’ that all these years later her face would be plastered throughout the stores.

“It’s funny how my life has turned around. I used to shoplift all my clothes from K-Mart, and now I have my own clothing line there. My face is all over the stores, but this time it’s on posters out front, not just on little Polaroids and blurry camera footage in the security office out back. I tell you, though, I had to swipe them. A girl goes through a hell of a lot of clothes trying to figure out the best way to look like you’re not wearing any clothes.”

Minaj, whose real name is Onika Tanya Maraj, says that although she may have had to resort to a life of crime growing up, she hopes that her fans don’t make the same mistakes.

“Of course I would never encourage any of my young fans to follow in my footsteps. On the other hand, my older fans can do whatever they want. But if you’re gonna shoplift, make sure you don’t get caught!”

Later, Minaj explains to the documentary crew about how she turned her life around before it was too late.

“I realized I didn’t want to be an alcoholic like my dad, wearing cheap lingerie or whatever. I needed to get serious about my career. That’s when I got on MySpace. Nothing says ‘serious about your career’ like a MySpace Music page. I guess it paid off, though. I got signed, I got off the streets. I didn’t have to sell my poon for money like a lot of friends I had growing up. Plus, I got to stop stuffing my face with stolen bread. Life just kind of fell into place after that.”

The documentary premiers on MTV January 18th at 10 PM, and is said to be an extremely intimate look into the superstar’s life.



Jay-Z May Have Cheated on Beyoncé With Oprah Winfrey, Says Sister Solange Knowles

NEW YORK, New York – Jay-Z May Have Had Affair With Oprah Winfrey, Says Beyonce's Sister Solange Knowles

Last May the entertainment industry was rocked by Solange Knowles’ now infamous elevator attack on hip-hop icon Shawn Carter, known by fans by his stage name Jay Z. Knowles, the sister of tremendously popular and highly respected R&B singer and Carter’s spouse, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, was caught via security camera footage attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after-party.

Surveillance video footage showed Solange, also an R&B singer, yelling at Carter and wildly attacking him physically as she punched and kicked at him. The video made its way to public eye thanks to celebrity gossip website TMZ, and it immediately went viral. In the months since the incident, no reason has ever been clearly given on why Jay Z’s sister-in-law went to the extreme to attack him in front of Beyoncé and a security guard. This past weekend at the MTV Video Music Awards, Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy were seated in separate sections as Beyoncé performed at the event. Despite the family of three gathering on stage after an emotional performance by Beyoncé, the fact that Solange was seated so far away from the family raised speculation even more.

Yesterday Solange decided to come clean and tell the world why the incident occurred, and why she wants nothing to do with Jay-Z.

“He is a lying, no good, unfaithful playa, and I busted him. I know now that he had been sleeping with another woman; I had suspected it for a long time and then I finally began to notice that he and Oprah Winfrey had been spending a lot of time together. I didn’t think anything of it at first, she didn’t seem like his type and vice-versa. I had a friend-of-a-friend look into his comings and goings around the country, and found out the two were meeting secretly at various hotels in Chicago and Manhattan. They always got separate rooms, but that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s very fishy. I was shocked to find out that Shawn was cheating on my sister, such a beautiful, amazing woman. And with Oprah? Don’t get me wrong, she is  an amazing woman, but her beauty faded long ago, don’t you think”

Solange says that she wishes that Beyoncé had never married Jay-Z, and she expected the worst right from the beginning.

“I have always had the highest amount of respect for Oprah, but never much for Shawn [Jay-Z]. I have slightly changed my mind about Oprah since discovering what my investigative work has unearthed. It made me feel sick inside and I just wanted to beat [Jay-Z] down after I found out. So when we were finally all together that night in the elevator, I confronted him, he called me a selfish, non-talented bitch. I just went crazy. It really hurt, it hurt badly.”

The allegations are sure to create quite a wild stir in the wild world of American entertainment and its publications. Attempts to contact the management of Oprah Winfrey, who is 60-years-old and one of the richest women in the world, went unacknowledged. However, a call to the office of  Jay Z’s Roc-A-Fella Entertainment was replied to in a voice message from Carter himself, where he simply said, “I got 99 problems but Oprah ain’t one.” No further comment was given. Beyoncé has not spoken about her sisters allegations, except to say that Jay-Z definitely liked it, and the ring he put on it isn’t going anywhere.

Suge Knight Shot At Party, Witnesses Say Assailant Resembled Tupac Shakur

HOLLYWOOD, California – Suge Knight Shot By Man Resembling Tupac Shakur According To Witness Reports

Early Sunday morning rap mogul and former Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight was shot several times at a party hosted by Chris Brown. Hundreds of witnesses have been interviewed by the Los Angeles Police Department and one odd thing kept arising in multiple interviews; several witnesses say a man who looked just like legendary deceased rapper Tupac Shakur had been spotted leading up to the incident, and several of those witnesses claim that this man is the one who shot Knight.

According to LAPD spokesperson Clifford Winston, witnesses assume that the assailant was either Tupac himself, or possibly even the ghost of Tupac, who had come back to avenge his own death.

“Several witnesses were very adamant that it was Tupac Shakur who shot Suge Knight. One witness, who seemed to be in shock, said it was definitely Shakur, and that he had to be alive. Others said there was no way he was alive, and that his spirit was the one who committed the crime. Either way you lean, these witnesses are all sure that it was Tupac himself.”

Several people believe that the assassination attempt on Knight was retaliation for the shooting death of Shakur eighteen years ago. Shakur was riding with Knight in Knight’s car on September 7, 1996 when he was shot multiple times in a Las Vegas, Nevada drive-by shooting. Shakur died six days later on September 13th. Several theories suggest that Knight set Shakur up for the shooting.

Former bodyguard of Tupac Shakur, Isaac “Big Slick” Johnson, told Empire News that Knight wanted Shakur dead, “Pac was scared and he even told me just the night before it happened that he was involved in some hardcore shit and something was gonna go down. He told me that he might have to disappear for a while if he lives, and told me if he lives, it was gonna take a long time to deal with the matter. I didn’t know what he meant and he told me not to repeat what he told me, he made me promise,” Johnson said. “Personally I think he is alive and I think he had something to do with the shooting of Suge Knight. He didn’t want to be with Suge that night, you can see it in his eyes in the last picture taken of him. Look at that picture, Pac looks nervous and Suge looks like he is up to no good.” Johnson added.

Winston also told the press that several of the witnesses thought that the the man looked just like Shakur, albeit with a full beard.

“While many witnesses say the man looked like Shakur, we believe it is a coincidence. That being said, there are an astounding number of people on the scene who actually believe that it was really was Shakur. As you can imagine, this throws quite a mysterious wrench into the pending investigation. We are surely re-launching the shooting investigation of Tupac Shakur from way back in 1996 to make sure we have all the information necessary in this shooting. We have our hands full and we ask that anyone with information, to please come forward. They could definitely do the community some good,” Winston said.

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel To Air Music Videos Again

MANHATTAN, New York – MTV Announces New Programming; Channel Will Show Music Videos Again

The television station MTV, which long ago was the voice of Music on television, has gone downhill since their heyday in the mid-to-late 80s. Where once they were known for playing the best music and great music videos, over time the station has steered away from music, and has become more known for their hit reality television shows. The Viacom-owned station has been garnering huge ratings over the past few years with show like The Jersey Shore and The Real World, shows that have nothing at all to do with music.

According to sources inside MTV, though, that is all going to change, and probably very soon. An as-yet-unnamed television company approached Viacom to purchase the trademarked name MTV, in hopes that they could actually use it to bring back the glory days of the network, and begin showing music videos once more.

With another company interested in starting a new network, using MTV’s original concept – and one that made them famous – executives for the network have begun to re-think their current strategy for programming.

According to a source close to the talks, MTV will again be playing music videos and music-related shows, toning down their reality programs to almost nil. Instead, those shows will begin airing on their own network, MTVDocs, which will have shows such as The Real World, Catfish, and more.

“We lost touch with who we are, and this attempted buy-out really opened our eyes” said the CEO of MTV Judy McGrath. “As everyone has already been informed, I am moving on to Amazon come October, but this project will be taken over by my successor, and I can promise everyone that we will be known for music videos once more.”

Ratings are expected to drop dramatically at first, but the company is optimistic that over time they will be back up. In a recent poll, kids and teens aged 11-19 actually had no idea that MTV once played music at all.

“I didn’t know that MTV stood for Music Television,” said Joey Goldsmith, a super-fan of MTV’s show Catfish. “I always just assumed the letters meant nothing. Kind of like how NBC doesn’t stand for anything. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad they’re not getting rid of all the good shows! I’ll just watch Nev and Max on Catfish when they move over to the MTVDocs channel!”

Not all viewers are excited for the change, with many not interested at all in seeing music videos or music-related programming.

“This is complete bulls—! I want to see the world how it truly is, not how rappers throw their cheddar around and rock stars jump off stages,” said Aaron Silver, a 15-year-old from Mississippi. “If we can’t watch 16 year olds get pregnant and drunk people fight on the beach, how will we learn about American history?”

In related news, VH1 has said that they may consider playing music videos again as well, to which several people replied “Wait, VH1 is still a channel?”


MTV Begins Production On New Show ’12 And Pregnant’

MANHATTAN, New York –  MTV begins filming new show 12 and pregnant

Known for hit television shows such as The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and The Real World, MTV is always finding a way to bring home the ratings, even when some claim that what they are airing isn’t appropriate television. Despite controversy and complaint, the ratings speak for themselves, and the network always seems to find a way to pack the couch and have people watching the channel day-after-day for over 30 years.

A new show that MTV plans to air may be a breaking point for the company, even in this new day and age. Insiders say the whole concept itself may stir up a huge outbreak of lawsuits, hate groups, and generally angry parents.

Already being filmed, MTV plans on releasing the new show 12 And Pregnant this coming fall.

Three 12-year-olds have already been chosen for the show, signing off on semi-lucrative contracts and deals with the Viacom-owned network. Normally, MTV would be heavily promoting the show during their other series like Catfish or True Life, but this time they’re staying hush on who the three girls are. All 3 girls and their families signed non disclosure agreements, stating that their identities would not be made public until the show is ready for air.

Producers for the show say that this series, which follows the trials-and-tribulations of pregnant 12-year-olds, is much like their hit show 16 And Pregnant, but with a lot more parental drama. Executives say that they never would have thought to create a show, except for an influx in pregnant children emailing them, asking when they were going to get a show aimed at their age group and about their struggles at becoming a parent so young.

“We never had any designs on a show like this,” Said Leo Maltin, a representative for MTV and Viacom Networks. “We got so many kids hounding us, saying that 16 And Pregnant was okay, but they wanted to see younger kids, like they are, and what they go through when pregnant. Since they started approaching us, we figured we’d give it a shot.”

Inside sources on the show have stated that each of the girls have ‘future husbands,’ and not one of them is going through the pregnancy while single, at least at start of production. On top of that, all the girls on the show have their parents included in the process, and 2 out of the 3 are still attending school. The third girl has dropped out to find work.


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