Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

’50 Shades Of Grey’ Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

'50 Shades Of Grey' Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In a trend sweeping America, teenagers are reportedly starting and joining ‘50 Shades of Grey’ clubs, en masse. The movement began in response to the box office success of the first movie of the franchise. However, it is being suggested that most of these youths have not read the books or seen the film.

“I haven’t seen the movie,” said Tuck Harrington, 16. “What I heard about it is pretty cool, and I want to do that with my friends. That’s why I started my high school’s ’50 Shades’ club. We all want a little teen bondage. It helps stop bullying.”

We asked Tuck to take us through some of the activities he and his group perform together.

“Well, we started off making friendship bracelets. That’s obviously the easiest way for teens to bondage. We’ve progressed to song nights every Friday, and group trips to mansions to see how successful men like Christian Grey have bondaged to their great advantage.”

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Catching up with other clubs, we found them to be doing much of the same. Some of their favorite bondage activities included friendly races, short vacations to the coast, as well as study sessions before exams.

“This is a system which is doing wonders for our kids,” said Colorado teacher Peter Josselewsky. “They’re working together to create stronger bondage between teens who would usually be fighting – whether in the conventional sense, or with more recent cyber bullying. With these new clubs, we’ve seen a drastic decrease in hostility, and guys who’d usually be outsiders are now part of the in-crowd.”

Tuck Harrington agreed with his sentiments.

“It’s true. There are some kids who would’ve been called ‘nerds’ or ‘losers’ who are much loved by the group. They’ve found a way to form bondages with others, and that’s something I’ve never seen in all my years of high school.”

When asked what his favorite part of the 50 Shades club was, he told us, “Oh, well – on Sunday nights, we all get naked, and half of us tie the other half to chairs or beds, and then we fuck them hard, with all sorts of sex toys and moves we learned online. Then we switch, and let them do the same things to us. I particularly like having a big, rubber fist shoved up my ass while I’m gagged with a pair of panties or a tight gag. It’s definitely the best part of the ’50 Shades’ club.”

Apple Rolls Out New ‘Adult’ Emojis In Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting With Real Photos

Apple Rolls out New Range of 'Adult' Emojis in Attempt to Prevent Teens from Sexting with Real Photos

 

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

In an apparent bid to stop teenage sexting, Apple plans on rolling out a new range of raunchy emojis, displaying various sex acts. The move comes after a scandal at an elementary school in Wisconsin, where nude photos of school goers landed up on Facebook, sparking shame and outcry.

“It’s for the safety of the kids. As adults we know how dangerous it is for us to make compromising pictures available, but children don’t realize it could come back to haunt them,” said one Apple executive. “Since promoting abstinence has not made a significant difference, we’re now implementing new ways of practicing safe sexting.”

In order to make the range as relevant as possible, the new emojis will feature, in addition to a huge variety of homo- and heterosexual acts, genitalia of three different sizes – small, medium and large.

“We want them to be personal,” said project manager, Brian McAlly. “A boy with a small penis, sending to a girl with a large vagina, cannot be sending a picture of a large member penetrating a tight hole. That won’t do for him – he wants the girl to see as accurate a representation of his junk as possible, and visualize her orifice as realistically as possible.”

Parents have been unanimous in their support of the move. At a recent PTA meeting at a school in New York, parental rep Molly Gingrich announced the group’s satisfaction at the development.

“When I saw Jimmy’s penis on my Anna’s phone, I got the shock of my life,” she said to shouts of agreement. “He has a hideous dick, which subsequently ended up on Tumblr. And I worried that my daughter’s ugly vagina might share the same fate. It might ruin her chances of having the busy sex life I know she doesn’t deserve.”

The teaching body, however, disagreed.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again,” principal John Skinner pronounced. “Sexting is part of regular teenage behavior. It should not be reduced into tiny representations of dirty coitus. My colleagues and I often keep tabs on the images that are making the rounds, and have seen nothing wrong in them. If anything, our students do a good job at photographing their junk from the most flattering angle possible.”

At press time, parents were browsing some of the teachers’ favorites, and had agreed that actually, they can be proud of the publicity of their children’s’ genitals.

Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

A police officer in Charleston is being commended by his superiors today after he refused to defend himself from a brutal attack by a teenager while on duty two night ago.

According to reports, officer Charles Brown, a veteran patrolman, was savagely attacked by an African-American juvenile around 11pm Monday evening while performing a routine traffic stop. Dash cameras and microphones in the police vehicle show Brown, who is described by everyone who knows him as easy-going and extremely mild-mannered, as pulling over a black Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that had a broken tail light. He asked the driver of the vehicle, a 17-year-old male (whose name is not being released because of his age) for his license and insurance card, and is immediately struck in the face by an object flying from the driver’s side window.

“It was all a blur, really,” said Brown, who is recovering from injuries in a local Charleston hospital. “I asked the boy for identification, and then something struck me in the face. I went down, and was blinded for a second from the shock, my eyes watering. Next thing I know, I’m being pelted by kicks to the ribs and face.”

Brown’s commanding officer says he suffered several broken ribs, a broken wrist, a partially collapsed lung, and minor bruising to his face, but was lucky to have not defended himself in any way, or else the entire ordeal could have gone very badly.

“Officer Brown will recover, and his wounds will heal,” said Captain Joseph Goldsmith. “This could have gone very badly, though, we admit that. If Officer Brown, who is a well-built white male had attempted any sort of defense, or God-forbid, attacked this teen back, then this could be a media firestorm. Officer Brown did the right thing, taking the beating, and I encourage any police officer who may be faced with a similar situation to act in a similar manner.”

Captain Goldsmith went on to say that the teenager, who was later arrested holding up a liquor store, will face criminal charges including illegal possession of a firearm, grand theft, resisting arrest, and assault on a police officer.

A candlelight vigil was held outside the hospital, with many officers and family members showing up to pray for a speedy recovery for officer Brown.

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play ‘Shirts vs. Skins’ Games

LEE, Massachusetts – High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play 'Shirts vs. Skins' Games

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal and local police department, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly illegal, as several of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were underage,” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students. It was reported that he would force the students to do arts and crafts, sewing or “other gay activities,” as opposed to the sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin School, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also wasn’t a scary, militant lesbian, which is what we have predominantly have had in the past for our physical education teachers. Generally our gym teachers haven’t been well liked by the students in the past,” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was a ‘nobody’ to the other students at Hardin. “I used to be, like, the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was like, a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends,” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts and skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see what they were missing out on, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal head on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young, teen girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened. 2 of my girls, Katie and Felicity are not, well, you know – endowed. Now my girls have spats at home all the time, because my oldest, Samantha, gets all the attention from the boys at school. These games have ruined their self-esteem and their social lives.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned,” said Creek in a prepared statement via his lawyer.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed by the school district or the parents of any of the students. Curiously, no one within the school offices, or parents of any children, seemed phased by the fact that Creek also forced boys into participating in the activities while bottomless.

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