Boy Scouts of America Announce Decision To Only Allow Gay Boys Into Troops

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BILLINGS, Montana – 

The Boys Scouts of America, long-known as one of the most horrible groups you could ever put your child in, has a history of bigoted behavior, not allowing African-American children into the groups until the 1970s, and still, to this day, not allowing gay or transgendered children or scout leaders to join.

All that is apparently changing, as the group has taken massive heat and controversy in the last several years. Today, the Boy Scouts of America have announced that they will no longer be accepting straight boys into the troops; from here on out, all children must be gay.

“This is a big leap forward for all of the homosexual scouts and leaders who have been forced to leave the Scouts over the years,” said former scout Johnny Mullens, a 19-year-old gay teen who was kicked out of his troop 7 years ago. “I think they’re taking it to an extreme here, since now they’re not even letting straight kids in, but hey, at least we’re making some headway.”

According to the Boy Scouts, they will be phasing out their current rosters over the remaining portion of the year, and are encouraging homosexual children between the ages of 9 and 16 to sign up.

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

16

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

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Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

New Line of Barbies Will Include A Gender-Neutral Version Of Doll

New Line of Barbies Will Include A Gender-Neutral Version Of Doll

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

After the White House unveiling of a gender-neutral bathroom, Mattel has one-upped the Obamas by announcing release of limited-edition gender neutral dolls.

Androgynous-looking Chris is the first of a serious of the new Everybody Line, which will feature lipstick lesbian, Erica, tough-girl Tonya, and Steven, the hairdresser.

Natalie Brenz says this line was born out of necessity. “We understand there a rainbow of different people out there that Barbie and Ken just don’t represent. We wanted to do something to appease all the special interest groups out there, who hate Barbie and everything she stands for.”

Stock in the company has dropped slightly in what investors are calling a gigantic waste of resources. Mattel has responded that while the initial investment in this line may not pay off in sales, the brand will rewarded for its open mindedness in the long term. “Skinny blonds and boy-band look alikes are on their way out. If people want a chubby Catherine or gay Gary, we’ll make it happen.”

Ohio High School Makes Female Students Dress ‘Slutty’ In Efforts To Teach Boys Better Manners

OGBERG, Ohio – Ohio High School Makes Female Students Dress 'Slutty' In Efforts To Teach Boys Better Manners

Ogberg High has recently implemented a mandatory dress code that evoked several emotions, including confusion and disgust, among the citizens of Ogberg Ohio.

The midwest high school implemented a dress code in September that requires its female students to dress ‘immodestly’ at all times while on school grounds. School Officials say the purpose of the new dress code is to teach male students how to behave responsibly around women.

Josh Young, an appointed Ogberg High spokesperson, explained the new dress code. “The idea to have the girls dress like baby prostitutes originally came from our principal Larry Lackerstrom. He wanted to figure out a way to teach the boys to respect woman, and refrain from inappropriate behaviors.”

The dress code has obviously caused issues with several parents of Ogberg High Students.  One mother transferred her daughter to another Ohio school after refusing to force her daughter to follow the mandatory dress code. The mother said “My daughter is morbidly obese, and is extremely uncomfortable wearing the type of clothing outlined in the schools official dress code. When I explained my daughter’s severe body image issues to Principal Lackerstrom, he had zero compassion, he told me that no exceptions would be made. She doesn’t want to wear cut off shorts and see-through shirts. There’d be so much to see!”

The Ogberg official dress code says that skirts must be at least 4 hands above the knee, crotchless rubber pants are allowed, fishnet stockings must be worn if wearing high heels – which themselves must be over 5 inches in height, half-tees can be worn as long as they are light-colored or white and see-through, 2-piece bathing suits are allowed, short shorts can be worn if they are paired with high socks, or any revealing costume purchased from Nip Slip, Ogberg’s local sex shop.

Principal Lackerstrom commented on what the results of the dress code have been thus far. “As you can imagine, we had a lot of sexual harassment issues the first few months, however we are working through these issues and have made a lot of progress in shaping these young boys into respectful young men. By the time they have graduated from this school, they will be so used to seeing half-naked girls that they will have no reason to even look twice out there in the real world.”

“Frankly, I love the new dress code,” said Miranda Carver, a Freshman at Ogberg High School. “Last year, in 8th grade, the boys didn’t notice me at all. I happened to have a decent growth spurt over last summer, so when this school year started, the new dress code really got me some notice, especially when I wear the see-through tops. My Friday nights are always full, now. Lots of things are full now, if you know what I mean.”

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