17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners


LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

Teen Who Was a Loser in High School Now Pretentious College Student


BOISE, Idaho – 

Michael Lester was a total loser in high school. He had no friends, and no girls would speak to him. After graduation last June, he wasn’t invited to any parties. But thankfully for Lester, he got into a college out of state.

“Oh man, fuck those kids in my high school, they were losers themselves,” said Lester, who now goes by Mike. “I moved out here to Boise, man, and I turned my whole life around. I am going to be better than all of them. I got good grades before, but now I’m going to get a 4.0 in being awesome.”

Mike says that he liked the idea of going to a school out of state so he could be “whoever he wanted to be,” and he made that a reality.

“I used to sit at home at night and play D&D by myself,” said Mike. “Now I go out, I party, I hang out with girls. They think I was some big jock in high school, which is totally hilarious. Yeah, I’m pretty badass now. Everyone loves me.”

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

naked school

SHAPRIO, Indiana – 

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”


Teen Gets Senior Pictures Taken At City Dump

garbage dump

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

After a teen recently made headlines for getting her senior pictures taken, unironically, in a Taco Bell, a South Carolina high school student said she would “not be out done,” and went viral after she had pictures taken at her local city dump.

Arlene Mitchell, 17, of Charleston, said she was “inspired” by the teen who took her senior pictures at Taco Bell, but knew that it was all just a marketing ploy.

“To be honest, the pictures were crap. They were garbage, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were paid for by Taco Bell, who has gotten tons of publicity out of this,” said Mitchell. “The more I started thinking about it, the more it pissed me off that someone was getting famous for taking pictures of themselves in the garbage dump of fast food restaurants. So that got me thinking…”

Mitchell says that she enlisted her father, professional photographer Joe Mitchell, to take pictures of her at a local city dump.

“It was a super hot day at the beginning of the month,” said Joe Mitchell, 34, best known for his work of taking photos of food at for the menus at a local Chinese restaurant. “We were out there for about 6 hours, taking all sorts of pictures of Arlene in with the trash. It smelled just horrid. It was probably exactly what it was like for that girl who took her pictures at Taco Bell. Except, of course, neither Arlene or I were struck with severe cases of the blow-shits after our shoot.”

Arelene says that she is very happy with the way that her photos turned out, but hasn’t yet decided which to choose.

“Frankly, it’s a toss up between the one of me sitting inside of a tire, holding a used condom in my mouth and pretending to jab a dirty needle in my arm, or the one where I’m standing next to some dirty baby diapers, holding my nose, and making an ‘ew’ face.”

When asked what message she was trying to send with her photo shoot, Arlene said she didn’t have one.

“I don’t give a shit about messages. I just think Taco Bell is a shitty place to eat. I could have gotten a better meal at the dump.”

Gay High School Kid Can’t Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

Gay High School Kid Can't Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

JONESVILLE, Indiana – 

Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.

“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”

Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.

“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”

He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.

“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”

But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.

“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work

New Research Shows Girls Better at School, Boys Better at Copying Girls’ Work


Feminists will be pleased, but teachers unsurprised, by findings in a recent study which show that girls are simply “better at school” than boys. On the other side of the coin, boys are reportedly “better at copying girls’ work” than girls, somewhat evening out ultimate scores. The research was funded by the Education Matters foundation, in hopes that the age old debate could finally be settled and we can start worrying about real issues, such as bullying and falling standards.

“We always knew we were better than boys,” said girls, collectively. “Now that there’s empirical evidence, no one can knock us off our perch. Girls rule.”

Boys, however, had a different spin on the findings.

“This doesn’t show that girls are better than us,” said the entire boys population. “It just shows they’re bigger suckers. We know we can just copy, so why would we do the work? Letting them do it for us, and taking advantage of their insufferable conscientiousness, is by far the smarter thing to do.”

Hedley Turner, who headed up the massive study, says that the results may be more deceptive than they seem.

“What the data shows is simply that girls are better at school. This could be for a number of reasons. It could be because the teachers treat them better. It could be because their parents expect more of them. And it could be because they need to take something positive out of the malicious environment that is our school system.”

The data is reportedly set to be forgotten for the most part, but brought up in arguments between the sexes for decades to come.

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma – teacher sex with student

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.  

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play ‘Shirts vs. Skins’ Games

LEE, Massachusetts – High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play 'Shirts vs. Skins' Games

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal and local police department, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly illegal, as several of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were underage,” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students. It was reported that he would force the students to do arts and crafts, sewing or “other gay activities,” as opposed to the sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin School, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also wasn’t a scary, militant lesbian, which is what we have predominantly have had in the past for our physical education teachers. Generally our gym teachers haven’t been well liked by the students in the past,” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was a ‘nobody’ to the other students at Hardin. “I used to be, like, the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was like, a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends,” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts and skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see what they were missing out on, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal head on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young, teen girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened. 2 of my girls, Katie and Felicity are not, well, you know – endowed. Now my girls have spats at home all the time, because my oldest, Samantha, gets all the attention from the boys at school. These games have ruined their self-esteem and their social lives.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned,” said Creek in a prepared statement via his lawyer.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed by the school district or the parents of any of the students. Curiously, no one within the school offices, or parents of any children, seemed phased by the fact that Creek also forced boys into participating in the activities while bottomless.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

LINDEN, Texas – Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As 'Performance Booster'

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

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