CUPERTINO, California –
Adults and kids alike are rejoicing at Apple’s long-awaited release of 300 new emojis. iOS 8.3 includes in its Emoji keyboard, a range of skin tones for many of the popular faces and characters, promising much improved diversity in text messagers’ racism. Apart from the now default yellow skin color, holding down the relevant key reveals a range of 5 tones, from white to black. Now, when you snidely refer to a racial stereotype, you can find an icon to go along with it, whether you’re insulting caucasians, blacks, or Asians.
“I’m so excited to liven up my bigotry with a whole new bunch of creative characters!” enthused confirmed racist, Regus McMahon. “I can make fun of Christians and Muslims at the same time, with a Middle Eastern Santa Claus. Or, I can portray blacks wearing a fez or whatever that’s called – proving that blacks are agents of Islamic extremism. I can’t wait to get started.”
But other racists have complained after realizing that their hatred had hit a snag.
“If you send to a smartphone that doesn’t have iOS 8.3, or an Android phone, it comes out as the regular characters. So my racial slurs may end up offending my own people,” moaned Ros Lichtenstein. “I tried to portray a lighter shade of black with the picture of the poop, and it came through to my friends as a white person with a poop face!”
Apple has promised that in the near future all phones will be able to receive the various forms of racism, and that, for now, users can be content that there are more representations of gay couples to spew hate towards.
JONESVILLE, Indiana –
Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.
“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”
Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.
“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”
He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.
“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”
But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.
“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
Alabama congressman, John L. McLawton, has praised the passing of a landmark bill that will tolerate and even encourage discrimination against homosexuals in his state. This comes as a growing proportion of the state’s citizens are joining the fight to protect the traditional identity of the region. Previously, the only victory of the movement known as People Against Oppressive Tolerance (PAOT) had been the legalization of forced conversions of Muslims and Jews.
“This is a great victory in preserving our proud history of baseless bigotry,” said PAOT chairman, Hamish Connolly. “The southern states have always served the final bastion of the US identity, and these traditions are a major part of who we are as a people.”
The bill has come as a major blow to the growing LGBT rights movement in certain Alabama cities, which has up till now been fighting for the legitimization of gay marriage. Observers will expect the organization to change their stance, regressing to the archaic battle against institutionalized intolerance.
“The situation is pretty dire,” admitted marriage equality activist Pam Newman. “I thought we were making headway, but apparently the traditionalists are still in the majority. I know we’ve been reaching a little high – I mean, going against our state’s proud history is a big ask – but I never realized how much we were offending others.”
Despite developments, polls indicate that the majority of Alabamians oppose the bill, with many committing to fight against it – or at least sign a petition. Sociologists cite the natural human instinct “not to be like their parents” as the reason.
“Young people don’t wanna act like the old folk,” said Professor John F Jacobson. “We see it all the time. There’s those who won’t discriminate against blacks, some who won’t beat up Jews, and even a few who reject the idea of intolerance altogether. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater in my opinion.”
Reports are now emerging that PAOT’s next fight will be to legalize the disposal of wet infants.