INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –
The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.
“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”
President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.
“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”
Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
Alabama congressman, John L. McLawton, has praised the passing of a landmark bill that will tolerate and even encourage discrimination against homosexuals in his state. This comes as a growing proportion of the state’s citizens are joining the fight to protect the traditional identity of the region. Previously, the only victory of the movement known as People Against Oppressive Tolerance (PAOT) had been the legalization of forced conversions of Muslims and Jews.
“This is a great victory in preserving our proud history of baseless bigotry,” said PAOT chairman, Hamish Connolly. “The southern states have always served the final bastion of the US identity, and these traditions are a major part of who we are as a people.”
The bill has come as a major blow to the growing LGBT rights movement in certain Alabama cities, which has up till now been fighting for the legitimization of gay marriage. Observers will expect the organization to change their stance, regressing to the archaic battle against institutionalized intolerance.
“The situation is pretty dire,” admitted marriage equality activist Pam Newman. “I thought we were making headway, but apparently the traditionalists are still in the majority. I know we’ve been reaching a little high – I mean, going against our state’s proud history is a big ask – but I never realized how much we were offending others.”
Despite developments, polls indicate that the majority of Alabamians oppose the bill, with many committing to fight against it – or at least sign a petition. Sociologists cite the natural human instinct “not to be like their parents” as the reason.
“Young people don’t wanna act like the old folk,” said Professor John F Jacobson. “We see it all the time. There’s those who won’t discriminate against blacks, some who won’t beat up Jews, and even a few who reject the idea of intolerance altogether. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater in my opinion.”
Reports are now emerging that PAOT’s next fight will be to legalize the disposal of wet infants.