Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”

Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

News reporter Brian Williams, who was recently caught in allegedly lying or embellishing news reports of things he saw on assignment – including those about being shot down in a helicopter during the invasion of Iraq – has made another shocking claim. After what critics have called a ‘lame apology,’ Williams is now saying that while on assignment in 2011 in Pakistan, that he is the one that fired the bullet that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“I was on assignment with the SEALS when we got the green light to take down Bin Laden,” said Williams. “Flying over Pakistan towards the compound, the SEALS were nervous, luckily they all looked up to me, so I just smiled at them and said ‘this is what we train for, boys!’ After landing in the compound, I was the first man through the door, I shot one of Bin Laden’s guards and one of his wives, then I let SEAL Team Six finish the sweep of the first floor.”

Williams claims that he was left alone to check the rest of the building, but that he was happy to do it, because it meant that the SEAL team didn’t have to face would could have been certain death.

“Heading up the stairs, I could see the fear in the eyes of the SEAL team, so I said ‘don’t worry boys, I got this this,’ and headed up alone. When I got to Bin Laden’s room, I kicked in the door and found him hiding in the corner. I just leveled my gun and said, ‘this is for the NBC Nightly News BITCH!’ and put a round between his eyes. I couldn’t have done it without SEAL Team Six, but I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest. It’s just like when I won the medal of honor in Vietnam. Or maybe it was in Korea. Actually, I think it was both. Yeah, it was both. This was just as exciting as that.”

Most viewers say that they feel sorry for Williams, and that he may have some sort of disorder that forces him to lie uncontrollably.

“Personally, I think Brian has a problem, in that he needs to feel important,” said psychologist Mark Cartman, who does not treat Williams. ”I think with years of therapy and some heavy doses of medication, he can get that whole, you know, embellishing problem fixed.”

“What’s next, is he going to tell us he’s Santa Claus?” asked NBC Nightly News buff Carmine Classi. ”Get this meathead off the air, he obviously has no credibility. I’d rather watch the reanimated corpse of Walter Cronkite report the news. That man had class!”