Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

As Summer Nears, Children Ready To Play Hottest New Swimming Game, ‘Marco Rubio’

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MIAMI, Florida – 

For years, a popular swimming game for children – or adults pretending to be children – has always been Marco Polo, where one child closes his eyes and yells out “Marco!” while other children scream “Polo!” in return. This year, though, a group of children in Miami have upped the game, swapping out Marco Polo for Marco Rubio.

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“The game basically plays the same as Marco Polo always did, except now we scream back ‘Rubio!'” said Freddy Johnson, 9. “I don’t really know anything about politics, but my dad says that Marco Rubio is a huge joke, and that all he does is play games, so this is a fun way to include him in our playtime!”

Many parents are happy that their children are taking to the new, family-friendly game.

“After the huge fiasco that my family had trying to play Trump-Twister, this is so much easier,” said Mary Lambert, 43, and mother of 3 small boys. “With that game, you have to spin the wheel and whatever random lie or racial epithet pops up, that’s where you have to put your hand or feet. There are so many racist remarks, we all fell down into one giant pile almost right away. ‘Left hand…Mexicans are dirty! Ugh. Horrible game.”

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

Google Programmers Admit They Don't Know Celebrities, Can't Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia 'Labuff'

 

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

 

NEW YORK, New York – 

News reporter Brian Williams, who was recently caught in allegedly lying or embellishing news reports of things he saw on assignment – including those about being shot down in a helicopter during the invasion of Iraq – has made another shocking claim. After what critics have called a ‘lame apology,’ Williams is now saying that while on assignment in 2011 in Pakistan, that he is the one that fired the bullet that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“I was on assignment with the SEALS when we got the green light to take down Bin Laden,” said Williams. “Flying over Pakistan towards the compound, the SEALS were nervous, luckily they all looked up to me, so I just smiled at them and said ‘this is what we train for, boys!’ After landing in the compound, I was the first man through the door, I shot one of Bin Laden’s guards and one of his wives, then I let SEAL Team Six finish the sweep of the first floor.”

Williams claims that he was left alone to check the rest of the building, but that he was happy to do it, because it meant that the SEAL team didn’t have to face would could have been certain death.

“Heading up the stairs, I could see the fear in the eyes of the SEAL team, so I said ‘don’t worry boys, I got this this,’ and headed up alone. When I got to Bin Laden’s room, I kicked in the door and found him hiding in the corner. I just leveled my gun and said, ‘this is for the NBC Nightly News BITCH!’ and put a round between his eyes. I couldn’t have done it without SEAL Team Six, but I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest. It’s just like when I won the medal of honor in Vietnam. Or maybe it was in Korea. Actually, I think it was both. Yeah, it was both. This was just as exciting as that.”

Most viewers say that they feel sorry for Williams, and that he may have some sort of disorder that forces him to lie uncontrollably.

“Personally, I think Brian has a problem, in that he needs to feel important,” said psychologist Mark Cartman, who does not treat Williams. ”I think with years of therapy and some heavy doses of medication, he can get that whole, you know, embellishing problem fixed.”

“What’s next, is he going to tell us he’s Santa Claus?” asked NBC Nightly News buff Carmine Classi. ”Get this meathead off the air, he obviously has no credibility. I’d rather watch the reanimated corpse of Walter Cronkite report the news. That man had class!”

 

 

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