Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

College Student Pays Tuition By Begging On Streets

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

19-year-old college Sophomore Ben James says that he has paid off his entire college tuition in less than two years after he discovered street begging.

“I kept seeing the same homeless guy outside my dorm begging, every single day,” said James, who is earning his degree in business. “One day I just asked him. I said ‘hey man, how much are you actually making out here every day? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a job?’ And he tells me that he’s making almost $400 a day, every day. I couldn’t believe it.”

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James says that the next day he went to the thrift store, bought some ratty clothes, and rubbed them in dirt and cut them up. He found a corner near a busy intersection, and says he took in nearly $300 on his first day out.

“People feel sorry for you when you’re homeless, and they like to give. They especially like to give if you’re young, and they like to give if you have a funny sign,” said James. “I’ve even had other homeless guys throw me a couple bucks. Of course, I let them in on my secret that I’m not homeless, and just trying to pay for college. They actually thought it was a great idea.”

So far, James has brought in over $85,000 from begging, enough to pay for his entire four years as a student at the University of Phoenix.

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – empire-news-obama-signs-bill-forgiving-student-loan-debt

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year,  Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.

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