After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

Posted on February 19, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

Washington D.C. Tourist Board To Give Free Weed As Incentive To Visit City

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tourism at the nation’s capital is on the decline, and the Washington D.C. Tourism Board plans to do something about it. Since Initiative 71 was passed in November of 2015, it is now legal in the nation’s capital to give marijuana as a gift. Each tourist will be able to go to stop by locations such as Destination DC for up to a free gram of marijuana.

“The decline in tourism has been linked to a major decline in patriotism, and a new generation who wants more out of their vacation than lame selfies in front of the Lincoln Monument,” said Mark Long, director of tourism for the city. “It’s just not going to do it for kids today. We’ve surveyed hundreds of teenagers about whether they would be interested in going to D.C. someday. 4 out of 5 said no, and 1 out of 5 just rolled their eyes and refused to respond completely.”

“Look how well Colorado is doing. We need to attract that young stoner crowd. Washington has quite the night life- plenty of things for young hipsters to do,” said Washington D.C. resident and stoner Kyle Reese. “They may find our monuments and attractions boring while sober, but a little pot and everything’s more fun!”

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year, Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”

V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

Posted on September 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After encouraging White House staff to take part in a fun game of hide-n-seek a week ago, Vice President Joe Biden remains somewhere in hiding. During today’s morning press briefing, Press Secretary Josh Earnest was asked where Biden had been all week.

“We have no idea. Last time we saw Joe he got everybody involved in this elaborate game of hide-n-seek, and insisted he would come out the winner. That was a week ago today. The man has a competitive spirit that is out of this world. He will pop up eventually,” Earnest said.

It is not uncommon for Biden to lead White House staff into late night adventures of extreme games during after hours. Last month Biden came up with the idea to have Halloween in August for all staffers, and made it mandatory for them to dress up and take part in a White House wide game of ‘Zombie Paintball War.’ The object of the game, to make it until sunrise with two or less paintball hits. Chief of Staff, Denis McDonough teamed with Dr. Jill Biden and Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett for the victory. An argument ensued after Vice President Biden claimed that the winning team had cheated and did not speak to his wife for three days and slept on the sofa in the Deputy Chief of Staffs office.

After the argument over what was supposed to be a fun game, President Obama said that he called Biden into the Oval office for a long talk. “I said, ‘Now Joe, it is just a game. You all need to learn to play nice and act like big kids. I know you like to win, but you aren’t always going to win. You can’t just go accusing everyone of cheating.’ I then looked him in the eye and said, ‘Now who is my #1 Joe? You are!’ I even pulled out my rolled up Slip-N-Slide, which I always keep hidden from him in the Resolute desk, and I let him take it into the hallways to play. I tell you, he lit up like a Christmas tree. He is a sensitive, yet strong man,” Obama said.

“I know one thing, he sure schooled us on this game of Hide-N-Seek,” said Earnest. “That’s just the kinda guy he is, a real gamer. Soon he will emerge from the bowels of the White House with some crazy idea, that’s why we love him.”

No word on whether anyone had thought to walk around the White House yelling ‘Olly olly oxen free’ to try to coax Biden out of his hiding spot.

President Obama Launches ‘Gas For Guns’ Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

Posted on August 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced this morning that President Obama will be launching a campaign similar to gun-buyback events of the past. The program, named ‘Gas For Guns,’ offers gun owners the opportunity to exchange their weapons, with or without legal documentation, for a $500 gas card.

“A date has not been set but it will more than likely take place in early January, just after the holidays, when American families need a little more assistance with living expenses than normal. The event will last two weeks. It will be a really good avenue to help those in need while at the same time getting dangerous weapons off the streets,” said Earnest.

The exchange program, part of a master plan by President Obama to get rid of guns in the U.S., will give gun owners the opportunity to go to local police stations, firehouses, and in some cities “mobile exchange units” to bring in their weapons. Volunteer gun experts will be on-hand to appraise the firearms, although the gas cards will be valued at $500 regardless of make, model, style, or appraised value of the firearm. Even guns without proper documentation can be turned in.

“No questions will be asked, but we ask those that do have legal documentation to please bring it with your firearm. Those that do not will only be asked for their drivers licenses’ or state identification cards, which will then be copied. This process is simply for keeping track of the gift cards that are exchanged. The participant will then be given the $500 gas gift card, regardless of the appraised value, to be used at a local participating gas company. What is important is that we get guns off the streets and help those in need at the same time,” Earnest announced.

Guns which are handed over will be taken to a licensed gun manufacturing facility, which will be paid an undisclosed amount by the government per weapon, and will be disassembled and discarded accordingly under ATF supervision while being fully monitored. Officials have said that many of the weapons, especially those with little to no value or that are in non-working order, will be melted down for their metals.

As gun control is a very controversial issue, announcement of the program has divided opposition even further. Gun advocate and Washington D.C. native Tom Gillispie told reporters after catching wind of the announcement, “This is absolutely ridiculous, they want just anybody to walk , pull out a gun, then trade it in for a $500 gas card? No matter if the gun is worth $50 or not? So a criminal with bad intentions can bring in a gun worth $100, get a $500 gas card, then trade the gas card for $450 cash then go buy an even more dangerous gun? This is the asinine apocalypse. This is exactly why our country is in a downward spiral. We will go further into debt and the bad guys will still have guns in the end, while those needing guns for protection will not. This is absurd. It is times like this I am embarrassed to be an American.”

Tourist Mary Carcepizzi, from Trenton, New Jersey had quite a different take on the matter. “I think it is an excellent idea. That $500 may save a life in the future, and I am absolutely positive that will be the case for several of the guns turned in. They will be destroyed, as all guns should be, and for each one destroyed, that is one less unnecessary weapon we will have to worry about falling into the wrong hands. Obama is making the right call and I stand behind the program 100%.”

The official starting date and a list of participating gas companies and other details will be announced in late December.