President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

In a developing story that has landed a bombshell upon newsrooms across the world, President of the United States Barack Obama announced he will resign from office after a disgruntled member of the New Black Panther movement has come forward with proof that the President has been giving direct orders to the group.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest made the shocking announcement just moments ago among a stunned room of journalists and reporters.

“President Barack Obama has decided to resign from office as news has surfaced regarding his alleged involvement with the new Black Panther movement, and being harassed by the American people whenever he wants to go out and have some fun,” Earnest announced. “Sometime tomorrow, Vice President Joseph Biden will assume office as President of the United States of America.”

Late last night, several media outlets released a video tape of Obama speaking at a Black Panther rally in which he made a statement to a large group of members.

“It is time to finish the job and take over what is owed to us. If they want a fight, we will give them a fight,” Obama said. “It is time that freedom has spoken.” The Obama Administration claims the statements were taken out of context, as he was referring to the ongoing feuding with North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, but also stated the President is just tired of being picked on every time he wants to go on vacation.

The President then took to the stand to give his side of the story. “It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to give the American people what they want; Joe Biden in the Oval office. I get blamed for everything. The American people have spoken and have stated that everything bad in their lives is specifically my fault, and I’m sick of it,” the President said. “I’m going to take my ball and go home, I quit. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

Members of the Associated Press pressured the president for further comment, but the commander-in-chief refused questions.

“See what you people have done? You’ve run the first black president straight out of office with your jokes and your ridicule,” said vice-president Joe Biden. “Not that I’m complaining. Guess it’s my turn to give it a whirl!”


V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. – V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

After encouraging White House staff to take part in a fun game of hide-n-seek a week ago, Vice President Joe Biden remains somewhere in hiding. During today’s morning press briefing, Press Secretary Josh Earnest was asked where Biden had been all week.

“We have no idea. Last time we saw Joe he got everybody involved in this elaborate game of hide-n-seek, and insisted he would come out the winner. That was a week ago today. The man has a competitive spirit that is out of this world. He will pop up eventually,” Earnest said.

It is not uncommon for Biden to lead White House staff into late night adventures of extreme games during after hours. Last month Biden came up with the idea to have Halloween in August for all staffers, and made it mandatory for them to dress up and take part in a White House wide game of ‘Zombie Paintball War.’ The object of the game, to make it until sunrise with two or less paintball hits. Chief of Staff, Denis McDonough teamed with Dr. Jill Biden and Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett for the victory. An argument ensued after Vice President Biden claimed that the winning team had cheated and did not speak to his wife for three days and slept on the sofa in the Deputy Chief of Staffs office.

After the argument over what was supposed to be a fun game, President Obama said that he called Biden into the Oval office for a long talk. “I said, ‘Now Joe, it is just a game. You all need to learn to play nice and act like big kids. I know you like to win, but you aren’t always going to win. You can’t just go accusing everyone of cheating.’ I then looked him in the eye and said, ‘Now who is my #1 Joe? You are!’ I even pulled out my rolled up Slip-N-Slide, which I always keep hidden from him in the Resolute desk, and I let him take it into the hallways to play. I tell you, he lit up like a Christmas tree. He is a sensitive, yet strong man,” Obama said.

“I know one thing, he sure schooled us on this game of Hide-N-Seek,” said Earnest. “That’s just the kinda guy he is, a real gamer. Soon he will emerge from the bowels of the White House with some crazy idea, that’s why we love him.”

No word on whether anyone had thought to walk around the White House yelling ‘Olly olly oxen free’ to try to coax Biden out of his hiding spot.



Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

Vice President Joe Biden was spotted visibly drunk in several places over the weekend, with several people even getting pictures or videos of his antics, posting them to Instagram and Facebook. One such image even shows Biden urinating on a McDonalds’ storefront in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mychal Lewis, Assistant Manager of the McDonalds, explains that the VP was acting belligerent before leaving and eventually disgracing the restaurant.

“He demanded a Whopper. He was slurring his words pretty heavy and kept saying something like ‘I’m the goddamn Vice President.'” said Lewis. “I tried telling him he was in the wrong place and there’s a Burger King just a couple blocks down, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally he left and I turned to go back to the kitchen. I hear a knock at the window and there he is again, this time with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the wall outside. He was staring at me and smiling the whole time. It was terrible.”

Later that same evening, Biden was videotaped in Bethesda attempting to start a fight with a homeless man. In the video, Biden can be heard declaring himself the “Secretary of Kickin’ Ass” before slapping the vagrant in the back of the head. The two exchange a series of awkward punches before Biden toppled over and the homeless man shuffled away.

The next morning in Arlington, Virginia, the owner of a house that is painted white was alarmed when Biden stumbled in through the back door. The home owner threatened to call the police, but the Vice President talked him out of it. They shared a pot of coffee and Biden left amicably. Apparently, Biden thought he was entering the White House.

“It wasn’t just that it was white. The columns threw him off,” said the home owner, who wished to remain anonymous because he is a ‘die-hard republican.’

The Vice President frequently referred to himself in the third person as “Ol’ Joe” when discussing his drunken adventure.

“Yeah, Ol’ Joe got a little frisky last night. Does that make me a bad person? Can’t a guy have some fun? So I got a little carried away. We were all having fun. It ain’t easy being Ol’ Joe. Barry’s always trying to put me in a box. Please don’t say this, please don’t do that. Well, sometimes Ol’ Joe just got to be Ol’ Joe.”

Political analysts believe that rather than try to prevent future gaffes from Biden, the current administration will instead encourage more raucous behavior from the VP in an attempt to distract from the VA scandal, a perceived-to-be tepid foreign policy, and any future controversy.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.