Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

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“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

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SHAPRIO, Indiana – 

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

 

University of New Hampshire To Close; Schools Deems Everything ‘Too Offensive’

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

After an internet firestorm was ignited over the University of New Hampshire releasing a “language guide” that lists the word ‘American’ as offensive, it seems as though the entire school system in the Granite State has decided to shut down permanently, finding that it is better to not teach the students at all in such an offensive environment.

“We decided it was best for the students of UNH to not learn anything at all than be forced to sit through classes, walk through campuses, eat school lunches, or attend school events that may be construed as ‘offensive,'” said Dean of Students Geraldine Charles. “The term ‘American’ was found offensive by at least one student, so we made a note of it in our language guide. Then, other students were offended that someone was offended. Then even more students were offended that those first students were offended, and soon, all we had was one big group of angry students who were more focused on being upset by something than learning about anything.”

“According to statistics, at least 1 out of every 2 people find every single post on the internet offensive, whether that be a picture of a cat, or a political statement, or a thought about a recent film,” said Dr. Joseph Thomas, who studies what people find offensive, and their overreactions to everything, at his offices at Cambridge. “Frankly, there is nothing at this point that someone, somewhere, won’t find offensive. And honestly, if we’re getting right down to brass tacks, that to me is pretty damn offensive.”

The University of New Hampshire may not be the only school to close its doors, after schools in New Mexico, Arizona, Delaware, and Georgia have also found that their idiot students may or may not get offended over everyday, casual concepts, words, and ideas, too.

Teacher Put On Suspension After Waterboarding Students During Detention

Teacher Put On Suspension After Waterboarding Students During Detention

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

A local high school gym teacher has been temporarily suspended with pay, after reports of him allegedly waterboarding his students while in detention. Keith Evans, 56, may be looking at time behind bars if the charges are to stick, but he claims he was just doing his job by disciplining his students.

“I spent a lot of time in the military and working for the government before becoming a teacher, and that’s how you treated trouble cases,” said Evans, completely disregarding his union representative’s advice to not speak to the press.

Police are convinced Evans learned this technique during his very colorful background in the United States military. They feel that Evans may be ‘numb’ to the idea that waterboarding is harmful, and feel that no matter how the probably pending legal case goes, he will never understand what type of danger he put these students into.

“These kids were liars, cheats, and thieves, and I know that what I did what was right,” said Evans. “It’s not like I killed anyone. And it’s not like I ran the water over their faces for minutes at a time, like we used to do to terror suspects. It was just for a few seconds, just to teach them to wise up a bit. Hell, some of the kids were on the school’s swim team, so not only am I disciplining, them I’m training them for their next swim meet.”

“Honestly, I have no idea what any of this is about,” said Bobby Reynolds, 15. “I was in that detention, and Mr. Evans never bothered any of us. Not at all. We were totally fine, and detention was just quiet and nice. There was no waterboarding or any other torture going on.”

Evans has been put on leave, pending investigation. So far, none of the 14 kids in the detention will admit to any torture. Police think that they may all be too scared of Evans to admit what happened. 3 of the children did report better-than-average times in their last swim meet, though.

 

Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

TULSA, Oklahoma – 

A young girl was hospitalized last week after complaints of feeling faint, followed by her passing out in her English class. The reason, according to doctors, was malnutrition brought on by the school’s shoddy lunch program.

According to the girl, whose family is keeping her name private, she was regularly buying school lunches. The sixth-grader at the Gonzo-Tulsa Elementary School, attested that her school lunches had basically been her only means of survival for several years, due to her parents’ expensive and destructive habits.

“Last year, the lunches were better. We had more to eat and it tasted better. Now everything looks like something from the dumpster behind the Sonic. The food doesn’t even taste like food anymore,” said the girl from her hospital bed. “I figured I would rather starve than eat some of the things they offered. Sometimes, even when I eat everything I get, I don’t feel like it’s good for me to be eating it. I wish mom and dad would get off drugs and stop hitting each other. Then maybe Mommy could make my lunch for me again.”

Why was the food so bad to cause this starving young girl to almost cease eating? The new health guidelines appointed by Michelle Obama that schools nationwide are supposed to bow down to.

Dr. Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools Superintendent, gave his opinion. “In the wake of this young girl’s experience, I am going to personally look at the food that our schools are serving the children. If our schools are compromising food quality and endangering student lives simply to please the President’s wife, it may be time for our district to make a change.

Michelle Obama shared her thoughts about the incident. “While I am rather saddened by the incident with this young girl, I cannot change my health plans because of one isolated incident. What if all we gave our children is what they want to eat. All they ever want is junk food! That’s why every single child in this country, and only in this country, is morbidly obese. These guidelines are here to help, not hinder.”

According to school officials, the lunch that is served most days is steamed corn, boiled cabbage, yogurt, and milk. On rare occasions, a meat will be served. “That’s normally reserved for holidays, though. Like on the Friday before Easter, the kids get a steakum in place of the cabbage,” said lunch lady Anne Jones. “They all seem to enjoy meat.”

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