Eight-Year-Old Sentenced to Prison for Petty Theft

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

SPRINGFIELD, Missouri –

How much is a Twix bar and a can of Dr. Pepper worth, exactly? Most rational-minded people would say maybe three bucks, but Judge Rudy Simms of the Springfield Juvenile Court values the items at a month in a state prison.

Young Marcus Hall, only eight-years-old, was caught by a convenience store owner trying to steal the aforementioned items, and was detained by the owner until authorities arrived. The boy’s mother, Kasey Buckner, was contacted and arrived shortly afterwards. She was highly enraged by her son’s treatment by the authorities and the store owner. “It’s just a damn candy bar, you idiots. He’s a kid, you should let him off easy,” Buckner said.

Buckner paid for her son’s stolen items, but was unsuccessful in pleasing the store owner, Fred Nadler. “If we let the boy off with a simple warning because his mother is screaming at us, he will grow older believing his mommy can get him out of anything. The fear of God and a fear of breaking the law needs to be instilled into this boy before it is simply too late.”

The boy’s trial was a fast one – only taking around 15 minutes. Hall testified to attempting to steal the items, although he claimed he was pressured by a friend to do so. When asked who the friend was, the boy said he didn’t want to share his friend’s identity. The jury decision took only a few minutes and came around with a guilty verdict. Judge Simms sentenced the boy to one month at the Springfield state prison.

This case has sparked controversy nationwide, with many parents feeling their children could suffer the same “unfair” judgment with such a harsh precedent set. Alicia West, a single mother of two from Colorado Springs, stated in a social media post, “Children should be loved, not punished, for committing crimes. Juvenile hall would have scarred this boy for life, but now actual, full-blown prison? He’s likely to be raped by some pedo in there, and with nobody to blame but the American court system.”

Nadler approved of the boy’s sentencing and said, “Even though the young man is serving his time for the crime committed, I will be cautious about ever letting him back into my store.”

Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A young girl was hospitalized last week after complaints of feeling faint, followed by her passing out in her English class. The reason, according to doctors, was malnutrition brought on by the school’s shoddy lunch program.

According to the girl, whose family is keeping her name private, she was regularly buying school lunches. The sixth-grader at the Gonzo-Tulsa Elementary School, attested that her school lunches had basically been her only means of survival for several years, due to her parents’ expensive and destructive habits.

“Last year, the lunches were better. We had more to eat and it tasted better. Now everything looks like something from the dumpster behind the Sonic. The food doesn’t even taste like food anymore,” said the girl from her hospital bed. “I figured I would rather starve than eat some of the things they offered. Sometimes, even when I eat everything I get, I don’t feel like it’s good for me to be eating it. I wish mom and dad would get off drugs and stop hitting each other. Then maybe Mommy could make my lunch for me again.”

Why was the food so bad to cause this starving young girl to almost cease eating? The new health guidelines appointed by Michelle Obama that schools nationwide are supposed to bow down to.

Dr. Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools Superintendent, gave his opinion. “In the wake of this young girl’s experience, I am going to personally look at the food that our schools are serving the children. If our schools are compromising food quality and endangering student lives simply to please the President’s wife, it may be time for our district to make a change.

Michelle Obama shared her thoughts about the incident. “While I am rather saddened by the incident with this young girl, I cannot change my health plans because of one isolated incident. What if all we gave our children is what they want to eat. All they ever want is junk food! That’s why every single child in this country, and only in this country, is morbidly obese. These guidelines are here to help, not hinder.”

According to school officials, the lunch that is served most days is steamed corn, boiled cabbage, yogurt, and milk. On rare occasions, a meat will be served. “That’s normally reserved for holidays, though. Like on the Friday before Easter, the kids get a steakum in place of the cabbage,” said lunch lady Anne Jones. “They all seem to enjoy meat.”

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.

Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana

Posted on January 30, 2015 by thebluntman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Weed smokers all over the United States lit up a victory joint on Friday morning in celebration of a legislative decision to allow recreational marijuana to be used in restrictive quantities in all fifty states. The decision came from President Obama, and was broadcast live on over fifty different streaming websites. Obama announced the decision at a gathering of weed smokers in Washington, D.C.

The historical decision was announced in a broadcast that lasted less than five minutes. President Obama said, “We, as the American people have rights and privileges in this country. These rights and privileges have included things like smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. Today, our country takes another step forward. It is my executive decision, as President of the United States of America, to legalize the use of recreational marijuana in all fifty states. Now, this isn’t absolute freedom – there will be some minor restrictions on the amount you can buy in one day. Also, all offenders of weed-related crimes are to be evaluated and released from their incarceration, ultimately saving millions in taxpayer dollars.”

The crowd of weed smokers cheered as they quickly pulled out their easily accessible blunts to take a drag of freedom. A man nearby handed Obama his joint, and Obama smoked it with a large smile on my face. “This is what I’m talking about,” Obama shouted. “This is freedom!”

Local pothead Jordan Reiss, through a cloud of smoke, gave his shout of approval to President Obama. “Bruh, I never thought this would happen in, like, my lifetime. Obama my man, if you want a third term, you’ve got my vote.”

Before professionally heading back to the White House, the President was seen looking absolutely stoned with bloodshot eyes and a goofy smile on his face. He waved to the crowd and gave the stoners a big thumbs-up.

After coming down from his stupor, Obama was unavailable for comment.

‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Show Is Nearing Expiration Date, Major Changes To Come

Posted on January 29, 2015 by thebluntman

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Virtually everyone in America has been exposed to The Simpsons at some point in their lives, whether young or old. It is no surprise, since the half-hour show has been broadcast for over 25 years. It is only common sense that any television series run for such an extensive length of time will ultimately run out of ideas, which is quickly becoming reality for the show.

Matt Groening, creator of the dysfunctional family, agrees that the episodes are degrading as time goes on. “What I’m beginning to be concerned with is the fact that the quality of our episodes are suffering,” Groening said. “I honestly think Season 30 will be the last for the Simpson family, if I can even make the series last that long. The episode ideas are becoming harder to write by now. I mean hell, do you think we would have ever done a Family Guy crossover episode 10 or 15 years ago? Get real.”

Series executive producer Al Jean weighed in with his opinion. “I don’t really want the show to end, but if Matt thinks Season 30 will be a good stopping point, then I’m with him on his decision. Our ratings on the show have decreased from an average of nearly 28 million viewers in Season 1, to a meager average of 5 million viewers in Season 25. I’d like to go out with relatively good ratings rather than be the executive producer for a repetitive piece of crap,” Jean said.

For the final few years, Groening does have some ideas. “For the remainder of time the show has, I would like to provide a change in wardrobe to see how people react. I know the change won’t be widely accepted, but honestly it’s time for them to change their clothes,” Groening said. “I would also like to have the Simpson kids age, if only by one year. It would be interesting to have them experience things that come with growing older than 8 and 10. We can get new actors to voice older characters, too. Really shake things up”

Lifelong Simpsons fan Roger Allison posted his thoughts on Facebook. “The Simpsons have gone from a small production 25 years ago, to a worldwide phenomenon. If the series ends, I don’t want to see what will happen. People will riot and things can get ugly really easily,” Allison’s post read. Later on in his rant, he remarked, “I swear, if they change the wardrobe that has been consistent except for a few rare occasions, I will absolutely go crazy. Homer’s white shirt and blue pants are a symbol of a lazy American slob, and should stay that way. I didn’t get that image tattooed on my arm for them to go and change it now.”

Sequel to ‘The Interview’ Green-Lit, Film To Mock Vladimir Putin

Posted on January 28, 2015 by thebluntman

CULVER CITY, California –

One thing that’s always been a given in Hollywood is that studio executives love controversy, money, and pissing off world leaders. A decision by Sony Pictures on Monday confirmed what many had worried – a sequel to The Interview will be made, with a slated release date of October, 2016.

Blandly called The Interview 2, the likely-to-be-controversial film will feature the same cast, including Seth Rogen and James Franco. The plot of the film is reported to be based on the duo gaining an interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin, with shenanigan-filled attempts to end his life. The upcoming movie is already being referred to as a “ballsy move,” from competitors like Universal Studios, and “extremely stupid” by Lionsgate Films.

The new movie’s screenwriter, Mitchell Greenberg, believes his idea is just what America needs for moving into 2016. “The world is just getting crazier and crazier, with more secret threats from rival countries every day,” Greenberg said. “Why not poke fun at Putin before he blows us up? It’s going to happen sometime anyway. Who knows, maybe I’ll be known as the man who made Vladimir Putin laugh.”

Many people, although annoyed that America is trying to re-live a threat, think that perhaps the movie is needed to assert the power of the United States. Mathias Perry, an opinion columnist from Arkansas said, “We need to show those foreign bastards that we as Americans have power, and we are not afraid to use it. Above all, it’s just a movie and isn’t meant to be taken seriously. If this thing starts World War III, then at least it was started before the number and power of nuclear weapons increased anymore.”

Carla Bronson of New York City highly opposes the creation of the sequel. “Letting stupid people like these screenwriters run free is what will destroy our country, and potentially destroy the world! If there’s nothing good to say, don’t say it at all.”

Neither Russian president Putin, nor anyone on his staff, had a comment on Sony’s announcement of the new film.