CARLSON, Idaho –
A 23-year-old man, Jacob Andrews, was killed yesterday after he jumped out of the window of his 6th floor apartment in Carlson, Idaho. According to friends, Andrews had drank an entire case of the energy drink Red Bull, and mistakenly thought that the beverage would give him actual, literal wings.
“We’d been drinking vodka red bulls for like, at least 5 or 6 hours,” said Andrews’ friend, Miles Teller. “After awhile, Jacob began talking about how he could fly, the commercials promised him wings, that he could jump out the window and he’d be okay. We tried to explain that it was just a commercial, they weren’t being literal. He was always a stupid drunk.”
Andrews apparently downed one last can of the drink, and leaped through the window.
“Funny thing is, Jacob didn’t even open the window – he smashed right through the glass, too” said Police Chief Marcus Wiggum. “Even if the 6 story drop didn’t kill him, he was pretty messed up from smashing through the giant, double-paned glass.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.
“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”
Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.
“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”
The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.
“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”
Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.
“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”
According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”
“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Bill Myers, 42, says his morning routine hasn’t changed in nearly a decade – he gets up, drinks a glass of straight gasoline, enjoys a glass of milk, then immediately has explosive diarrhea.
“It’s the gasoline that does it for me,” said Myers, explaining his regimen. “You see, I was stuffed up, if you will, for a really long time. I mean, I didn’t go to the bathroom more than once or twice a month. It was horrible. Doctors were just about to cut me open with the amount of stool I had built up inside. But then, something crazy happened, and it changed my life.”
The “something crazy” that Myers is referring to is a car accident that he was in on Christmas eve 2006.
“I was coming home from work, and I hit a patch of black ice,” said Myers. “The car flipped over a few times, and the gas line was punctured. I was lucky to be alive, but at the same time, I also swallowed a lot of the gasoline as it got all over my body and my face. In less than a minute, I was shitting myself. When the paramedics arrived, I was too excited to even be embarrassed.”
Myers says that he now enjoys a full glass of gasoline every day when he gets up, another after lunch, and one right before dinner.
“Doctors tell me that I’m pretty much going to die any time now because of my habits, but I don’t care,” said Myers. “Once you start shitting on the regular, you do whatever you can to keep it going!”
CLEVELAND, Ohio –
Pregnant teens across the country have been participating in a dangerous new trend, say doctors faced with an onslaught of unhealthy babies. According to reports from national physicians, a new trend among pregnant teens is to spend many hours during their pregnancy binge drinking, hoping that they develop “cute deformities” in a quasi-competition with their friends.
“Many teens have been giving birth to babies with extremely low birthrates, deformities, and other major ailments,” said Dr. Emmett Richards, Dean of Medicine at Boston University Hospital. “It appears that a trend amongst pregnant teens, normally around age 15 to 19 is to spend hours and hours bring drinking, in hopes that their baby will have deformities, and then they post pictures of their babies online.”
Doctors are warning both prospective teen moms and their parents that the “game” is dangerous to their baby’s health, as well as the mother-to-be.
“Ugh, like who cares, really, about the baby?” said pregnant teen Amanda Johnson, 15. “I mean, I only even got pregnant so I could do the bingy-baby challenge, and show all my friends. I don’t even want the stupid thing. If it dies cause I drank too much, who cares?”
“I’ve already had 3 babies, and the keep coming out more and more deformed, cause I switched from just binging out on beers to mixing in hard alcohol, and even sometimes some coke or meth, even though I know that’s cheating a bit,” said Lindsay Moore, 17. “All of my babies have died. The doctor said that I might not be able to have kids later down the road from all the shit my uterus has gone through, but whatever. It’s all for funsies.”