Temporary Tattoos Laced With LSD Found In Indiana Elementary School

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

Police say that a packet of temporary tattoos featuring children’s cartoon characters such as Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer that had been laced with LSD were found in an elementary school in Indiana Friday afternoon.

Police Chief Joel Miller explains that a young girl was taken to the hospital after putting one of the tattoos on in the school bathroom.

“Temporary tattoos usually work by place the image on your skin, and rubbing the back with water,” said Chief Miller. “In the case of these LSD-laced tattoos, as soon as the image is placed face-down on the child’s skin, the drug begins to soak into their system. This little girl was lucky, as she only had it on for a minute before she said she ‘felt funny,’ and was rushed to the ER.”

Police say that they do not know where the drug-laced tattoos came from, and that the young girl says that she simply found a baggy of them in the bathroom.

“At this time, we are investigating the origins of the tattoos, and have temporarily closed the school while we canvas the building for any other drugs or paraphernalia,” said Chief Miller.

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SHAPRIO, Indiana –

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”

Abortion Clinic Busted For Selling Fetuses To Chinese Restaurant

Posted on March 20, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

A local Sellersburg establishment was shut down by police and health inspectors this week, after an investigation of the Beijing Chinese restaurant showed that they were purchasing aborted fetuses from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic.

Police first became aware of the Beijing restaurant using human fetuses as part of their cuisine when several people were hospitalized after eating at the restaurant. Representatives from the Sellersburg Department of Health were called by doctors at Clark Memorial Hospital to investigate the conditions at Beijing, assuming improper food storage or preparations. The Department of Health was shocked at what they found.

“They had an entire walk-in refrigerator dedicated to unborn fetuses, all of them in different stages of dismemberment. It was clear they were using them as part of their recipes.” Said Brendan Kelly, department head for the Sellersburg D.O.H. “We immediately closed the restaurant, and contacted state officials.”

“We were contacted by the Department of Health, who informed us that a local abortion clinic may be selling discarded fetuses to the Beijing restaurant.” Said Captain Joseph Goldsmith of the Indiana State Police. “We moved in quickly on both establishments, making sure that we got a lock on all this as soon as possible.”

Along with the owners of the Beijing Restaurant, Soi Cha and Fo Shi, officials also arrested two men from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic. Alex Coates and Ryan Wintson will be facing charges for their part in the theft and sale of the fetuses, which officials believe had been happening for years.

“Alex and Ryan were two members of our nighttime cleaning crew who’d worked for us for almost 6 years.” Said Doctor Thomas Telford of the Sunbright Clinic. “I am shocked that they could or would do something like this. Sickened and appalled.”

All four men will be facing charges in Sellersburg Superior Court. Cha and Shi, the purchasers of the unborn fetuses, are charged with assault and attempted manslaughter, because of the illnesses they caused in customers, as well as with the lesser charge of dismembering a corpse, which is a misdemeanor in the state of Indiana. Coates and Winston are being charged with theft and sale of human remains, theft of medical supplies and equipment, theft of medical waste, assault, and attempted manslaughter. Each are facing up to a 9 year sentence if convicted.

“This is without a doubt the most disturbing thing that’s happened in this town.” Said Kelly. “We never expected to come across something so dark and grotesque.”

Both Beijing and the Sunbright Clinic have been closed for investigation until further notice. Doctors at Sunbright Clinic say they were completely unaware that this was happening in their offices, and at the time of this writing, no charges were being filed against any of their medical staff.

Indiana Haunted Attraction Fulfills Dying Wish Of Homeless Man, Host Wake Inside Haunt

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSONVILLE, Indiana –

Haunted attraction Industrial Terrorplex, located in Jeffersonville, Indiana (directly across the Ohio River from downtown Louisville, Kentucky) will hold a public wake for a homeless man, who died from injuries sustained after being struck by car, as part of their show until Halloween night.

Carl “Kitty Kat” Heywood, 63, a homeless man hospitalized after being struck by an automobile on September 28th, told his friend, Nik Houpt, who had arrived at Clark Memorial Hospital on October 5th to check on his condition, just hours before his passing, that if he didn’t make it he wanted Houpt and his “other freak friends” to take him to “the haunted house” and let him “rest and say goodbye.”

Houpt told Empire News in an on-site interview at the nationally known haunt Industrial Terrorplex that he did not know what to make of the request, and just nodded his head and told Heywood that he would be fine and to get some rest. “He was in pretty bad shape and I think he knew. I really didn’t realize what he was asking at the time or how meaningful it was to him ya know?” Houpt explained.

As Houpt exited the Jeffersonville hospital he stopped, turned around, and re-entered the building to leave his telephone number at the information desk with instructions to have someone call him if Mr. Heywood’s condition were to change. “About three hours later the hospital called and explained to me that ‘Kitty Kat’ had died peacefully in his sleep,” Houpt said. “My heart just kinda dropped at that point and I kept replaying what he had said over and over in my head. I went and told Terry Campbell, the owner and operator of Industrial Terrorplex, what Kitty Kat had said. I don’t think he knew how to respond to that himself.”

Campbell, who has owned and operated the large, award-winning haunted attraction for several years, said that the more he thought about it, the more he realized what needed to be done. “I knew Kitty Kat didn’t have family, and there would be no service or anything, and I kept thinking about how he always went to extremes to make us laugh – telling tall-tales as if they were fact. He didn’t have anything but the clothes on his back, yet he found a way to make others laugh,” Campbell said.

Campbell would then set into action an unimaginable, unprecedented plan to hold a wake inside the over-the-top haunted attraction during hours of production, which customers would most certainly shockingly stumble upon.

“My really good friend Buffy Marie, who has dedicated a lot of time and involvement into the haunt, also happens to be a funeral director and mortician. I asked her if we could pull this thing off, and that money would not be an issue. We got it all figured out, and realized we could preserve him long enough to keep him laid out until Halloween. So we set up a room with a constant controlled temperature and steady humidity levels, rented a casket, bought him a nice suit, and there he lies. He was a troubled man, but possessed a really good soul. It feels good to know we are here for him,” Campbell expressed adamantly.

Thursday, October 9th at 8:00 pm, Industrial Terrorplex will open its doors to the always excited line waiting in adrenaline-laden anxiety to find out to what extreme the outlandish haunt has in store for them this year. It is anticipated that until word gets out of the wake, the gesture will shock customers.

“It is a risky move, but in the haunted house business we take risks every single year, and this time it is definitely worth it. Once customers enter the room, a greeter will give groups a brief history of Kitty Kat and how he loved hanging out around us all year as we re-designed and rebuilt our haunts, and explain what his body is doing there. It is possibly the first ever wake held in a haunted house,” Campbell said.

Industrial Terrorplex is open Thursdays – Sundays from now until Halloween. For hours and other information visit www.industrialterrorplex.com.