Store Made Famous On ‘Pawn Stars’ Robbed At Gunpoint

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

At the beginning of each episode of Pawn Stars, shop owner and star of the series Rick Harris says “you never know what may come in [the store]” and on Wednesday evening, that saying proved all the more true, as a gang of masked intruders made their way into the store with shotguns and pistols.

“We are a heavily armed store, and the doors are usually locked,” said Harris, who has owned the shop with his family for years. “We’ve actually never been robbed the entire time we’ve been here, but the History Channel show has given us a lot more notoriety, so we’re a bigger target.”

According to Harris, the thieves made way with over $250,000 in cash and merchandise, mostly sports memorabilia and coins.

“The store will be closed for a few weeks while things are sorted out, and the show is on a current hiatus anyway, so if there was ever a good time to be robbed, it was now,” said Rick. “Thankfully, I got a buddy of mine who knows a thing or two about property insurance, so I gave him a call and he’s coming down to help out.”

NBC Announces Plans To Release ‘Friends: The Movie’

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

NBC, the company behind one of the biggest sitcoms of all time, has announced that they have signed the entire original cast of Friends to a major motion picture deal.

“For some reason, people just will not let this show die the death it so rightfully deserves,” said NBC Chairman Dennis Belding. “Even after a ten-year run, and then being off the air another ten years, the fans cannot get enough of Joey, Chandler, and whatever the other characters names were.”

Belding says that the slew of fan-made trailers for a film, some of them coming out better than actual Hollywood trailers, that have popped up on YouTube over the years, were one of the biggest reasons they knew that people were still clamoring for more Friends. 

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“Thankfully, since most of the original cast, with the exception of Jennifer Aniston, have been stuck in TV-hell on horrible shows ever since Friends ended, it wasn’t too hard to get them to sign on, even without a script. We’re still working out the details of the plot, but the show was on for ten years, and was horrible the entire time, so it really doesn’t matter. People will see any movie based on TV shows. Just look at Sex and the City.”

“I’m so excited to get back together with everyone,” said Courtney Cox, one of the former stars of Friends. “The fans, they just wouldn’t let us die. Well, the fans and Entertainment Weekly. I swear, that magazine has had more cover-stories and multi-page articles about Friends since the show ended than they ever did when we were on. It’s kind of creepy, actually. Like an uncle who pats you on the bum, but then the hand just lingers, you know?”

Insider reports indicate that the movie is being made for a fraction of the cost of the original series, thanks mostly to all of the cast losing their star-power since the show ended.

“When the show was on, the cast members were all making over a million dollars per episode, each” said Belding. “Thankfully, no one cares about David Schwimmer anymore, and we’re giving him the paycheck to prove it. God knows why they ever did care about David Schwimmer. Anyway, they’re all working for peanuts this time around. Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, of course.”

‘Dr. Oz Show’ To Air Final Season In 2016; Show Pulled From Syndication Over Controversy

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Dr. Oz Show, which has run for 6 seasons, is reportedly being pulled from syndication lineups after the 2016 season, according to the show’s producers.

The series, which stars Dr. Mehmet Oz, who got famous appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, features Dr. Oz discussing current medical issues, as well as having guest appearances. The series, a favorite amongst old and naive people, held strong ratings for most of its run, although a slew of controversy over the years has dipped ratings.

“The problem is, more than half of what Dr. Oz talks about is just straight-up bullshit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a physician in Atlanta. “I am so glad that he is finally being taken off the air. Studies have been done on the lies and misinformation he has spread, and it is painful. His information, which often seems to stem from companies paying to have their products features, could cause people to become violently ill, or even die. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long.”

Dr. Oz reportedly sees himself as an impartial advocate, giving out as much information as he can on different topics, ranging from diabetes to cancer, and everything in between.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to know much about the topics he covers,” said Dr. Brown. “He is an actual M.D., but I cannot figure out why anyone would listen to his wild misinformed statements. A simple Google search can tell you that 54% of his medical recommendations are not actually supported by fact.”

Producers for the show say that they are actually “relieved” that it will no longer be aired.

“We were in constant fear of some wrongful death lawsuit after a cancer patient gave up treatment to just eat cantaloupe, or whatever nonsense Dr. Oz would spout on the air,” said an anonymous producer. “We’re just really glad we can move on to real entertainment production now, and not crazy medical fiction and company-sponsored medical lies.”

‘Dexter’ Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was ‘Horrible,’ Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

'Dexter' Creator James Manos Jr. Admits Series Ending Was 'Horrible,' Plans To Bring Show Back For One Final Season

 

MIAMI, Florida –

It can sometimes be hard to admit when a mistake is made. It can be doubly difficult when the mistake costs millions to produce and leaves a following of fans unsatisfied and despondent. That is why James Manos Jr’s admission that he could have done better with the series’ ending was such a breath of fresh air to Dexter fans.

“Quite frankly, we screwed up. It was horrible, and we’re ready to make it right with a true final season” said Manos Jr.

The Dexter series pulled in millions of fans to its twisted storyline of a serial killer tied to a bizarre moral code. Throughout eight seasons, the show wowed audiences while keeping them guessing at every turn. Unfortunately, the final episode undid all the positive motion that the previous seasons had built. A ruined climax and a rather uninspired ending left many crying foul and wanting a redo. Now, unhappy fans will finally get their wish.

“To be honest, the ending was simply thrown together because we ran out of time,” said Manos Jr. “We were all dealing with a big bout of writer’s block by the end of the show’s run. We heard that Breaking Bad was putting Walter White in the Northwest forests. We thought it would be great to put our murderer there as well. Can you imagine? A forest battle between Walter White and Dexter Morgan? We thought it was going to be brilliant.”

Unfortunately for Manos, the AMC series turned away from its original concept and killed off Walter White in the final episode, leaving Dexter in the woods alone.

“Without warning, their ending was totally different. We were left hanging there with our murderer out in the forest with no antagonist. But it was too late to save the finale since ours was a week prior to their own. They screwed us, and in turn, we screwed the fans. So now we’ve simply got to do a true final season.”

Manos Jr. Stated the ninth season could begin as early as 2016. Fans are already starting the gossip mill on who will be the antagonist, with many clamoring for Jesse Ventura.

“At the very least, even if we screwed up again, I can promise this,” said Manos Jr. “we will definitely not just cut to black in the middle of a conversation. Sorry, Sopranos. You’re alone in that boat.”

Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman To Star In New Reality TV Show

MIAMI, Florida – empire-news-george-zimmerman-casey-anthony-to-star-in-new-reality-series

Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman have been cast in a new reality series about people who have been acquitted of murder.

The show, which goes by the working title of Beat the System, is being developed by the Investigation Discovery network, and is set to air in the fall of 2014. It will be the first unscripted reality show developed by the ID Network.

The series will star Anthony and Zimmerman, who became friends in real life after they bonded over their recent brushes with the law, and their eventual acquittals of murder.

“I am so happy that Casey and I got offered this reality series.” Said Zimmerman, who was found not guilty for the murder of young teen Trayvon Martin. “We are really excited to start filming next week in Miami.”

Beat the System is going to follow the everyday lives of Anthony and Zimmerman, to get an insight into what it is like after you are found not guilty of a crime that the entire world knows you’ve committed. The ID Network is advertising it as a Kate Plus 8 meets Unsolved Mysteries kind of show.

“George and I became so close after his trial.” Said Anthony, who was acquitted of murdering her young daughter, Caylee.  “I began writing to him during his ordeal, offering my support, because I went through the same thing. He wrote back, and we became good friends. I’m so excited for this series. I really want people to see that George and I are just regular people. We grocery shop, go to the movies, and party like everyone else.”

After advertisements for the show hit television networks and YouTube, a backlash of emails began flooding the offices of the ID Network, demanding the show be cancelled before it even starts.

“How dare anyone profit off these heinous crimes.” Said one angry viewer. “These two pieces of filth should be behind bars, and everyone knows it. This show is a disgrace to TV, and I don’t know anyone who will be watching it.”

“These two are famous. In fact, they are more than famous. They’re infamous.” Said Joe Goldsmith, president of the Investigation Discovery Network. “It doesn’t matter how they got to be famous. They are known faces, their backstories are known. What isn’t known, though, is how they deal every day with the same basic things everyone has to. What it’s like for them to be in public and be recognized. We are trying to put a humanitarian face on two people who are very misunderstood.”

“It’s the best thing to come out of all of this tragedy.” Said Anthony. “George and I, we’ve been through so much. Now we can put our pasts to rest and focus on this great new future, this great show.”

Reportedly, an episode is also set to feature Anthony and Zimmerman visiting their mutual friend O.J. Simpson in prison. Simpson was acquitted of murdering his wife and friend almost 2 decades ago, but was recently sentenced to 32 years in prison for his part in an armed robbery.

“I wish that [Simpson] could have been a part of this show on a regular basis. He’s a great guy, and Casey and I owe so much to him.” Said Zimmerman. “I know that he would get a kick out of reality TV.”

The ID Network reportedly stands to make more money off this show than almost all their other programming combined, with advertisers offering upwards of 3 and 4 times the normal rate for a standard 30-second commercial spot during the show. Anthony and Zimmerman also stand to make a small fortune, as each are reportedly earning $100,000 per episode, with 13 episodes ordered for the initial fall/winter season.

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