Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

Google Programmers Admit They Don't Know Celebrities, Can't Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia 'Labuff'

 

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California – 

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

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According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

LOS ANGELES, California – Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

 

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