WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An anonymous staffer from within the White House has confirmed that President Trump has had every toilet in the building replaced since moving in, in an effort to not have to “shit in the same pot” as former president Obama.
“He not only replaced them all, he replaced all the porcelain with gold toilets,” said the staffer. “It’s kind of ridiculous. But it wasn’t about showing off his affluence, it was all because he didn’t want to sit anywhere that Obama sat. He thinks he might ‘catch something,’ because Obama is black, and by his logic, probably has AIDs or other diseases.”
President Trump had no comment on the toilet change-over, except to say that he thought that they looked “much nicer” the new way.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.
“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”
Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.
“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”
The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.
FORTH WORTH, Texas –
Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.
The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.
“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”
The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.
DECATUR, Alabama –
The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.
“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”
Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”
“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”
Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.
What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.
“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.
Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.
“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”
MIAMI, Florida –
For years, a popular swimming game for children – or adults pretending to be children – has always been Marco Polo, where one child closes his eyes and yells out “Marco!” while other children scream “Polo!” in return. This year, though, a group of children in Miami have upped the game, swapping out Marco Polo for Marco Rubio.
“The game basically plays the same as Marco Polo always did, except now we scream back ‘Rubio!'” said Freddy Johnson, 9. “I don’t really know anything about politics, but my dad says that Marco Rubio is a huge joke, and that all he does is play games, so this is a fun way to include him in our playtime!”
Many parents are happy that their children are taking to the new, family-friendly game.
“After the huge fiasco that my family had trying to play Trump-Twister, this is so much easier,” said Mary Lambert, 43, and mother of 3 small boys. “With that game, you have to spin the wheel and whatever random lie or racial epithet pops up, that’s where you have to put your hand or feet. There are so many racist remarks, we all fell down into one giant pile almost right away. ‘Left hand…Mexicans are dirty! Ugh. Horrible game.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.
The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.
“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”
Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.
“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
The Ku Klux Klan, everyone’s least favorite sheet-wearing terrorists, have been battling the state supreme court on whether or not their organization is allowed to Adopt A Highway. Normally, groups that adopt roads are charities or non-profit groups, and none of them have ever asked about renaming roads, either.
“It’s not really so much of an issue that the Klan wants to Adopt-A-Highway, so much as they want to change the name of it as well,” said AAH Project Manager Joel Goldstein. “The Klan wants to not only clean up the highway, but the want to call it ‘Dead N*gger St.’ To me, that’s just crossing a line.”
“When you adopt a kid, you can re-name it whatever you want, and then you go on keeping that kid clean and fed and looking nice,” said Klan member Richard Dawson of Huntsville, Alabama. “If we are gonna adopt a road, and keep it looking nice, and keep it clean, then we want to rename it. And what better way to keep niggers off that street than to call it ‘Dead N*gger Street?'”
According the Supreme Court, the group has every right to Adopt A Highway if the AAH Commission signs off on it, but that they are contesting the group’s request to rename the road with use of a racial slur.
HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –
The Ku Klux Klan, America’s favorite hate group, has formally announced their endorsement for Donald Trump as he runs for president of the United States.
“He says what we are all feeling in our hearts and in our heads,” said Klan leader Joe Smith of the Huntsville chapter. “He’s a man who is ready to speak up and fix this country. He wants to build a wall to keep the spics out, and if we can have our way, we’ll get the niggers and the Jews out, too. Put ’em all behind a wall. Trump is the kind of man who can get that done, and we respect that.”
Normally not vocal about their candidate of choice, this is the first time in several decades that the group has spoken out in favor of one particular candidate during a presidential race.
“In 2008, we were adimant on getting anyone into the White House except for Obama, but we failed in our mission,” said Smith. “We didn’t think that that White House should be tarnished by being filled with a dirty black man from Kenya. This time, we will double our efforts in making sure that Trump is elected over anyone else – especially Hillary Clinton.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”
Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.
Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”
Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.