BURLINGTON, Vermont –
A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.
“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”
Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.
“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump on Friday said he would not debate Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate” to square off against the candidate who currently trails Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primary fight. Trump initially agreed to do the interview, and then changed his mind numerous times in the span of a few days.
Sanders calls Trump a liar. Trump responded by saying, “Oh, Crazy Ol’ Bernie, don’t listen to him and his so called logic.” Trump went on to say, “I did not decide to debate with Bernie because as a business man I don’t agree to a deal where I don’t come out ahead. My supporters don’t care about things like debates. What speaks to my supporters is good old fashioned blood, and I’d knock that old Jew into next week.”
Political analyst Eugune Scott told CNN, “I didn’t think he’d [Trump] fare very well in a fight with Sanders. Plus, do we really need anymore proof what a barbaric ignoramus Trump is?”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has been mocking competitor Bernie Sanders in the media the last few days, claiming that Sanders is a “pussy” and a “wimp” for donating to charities and not bragging about it publicly.
“When I become president we will stop foreign aid. In fact the first thing I plan on stopping is government funded cell phones. Yes, the program may have been initiated to spy on citizens, but it is not worth the charity,” said Trump. “Sanders may want to give all this money to stupid places like the Salvation Army or the Veterans Fund, but I am trying to save money. And not just mine, either. Also the country’s money. The taxpayer money.”
Sanders, for his part, has not commented on Trump’s rants, although he did say that he is “happy” to share any information with anyone about his donations, he just doesn’t “feel the need to brag.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.
“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”
Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.
“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.
Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.
Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.
What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.
“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.
Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.
“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”
PORTLAND, Oregon –
Bernie Sanders says that there was some great symbolism in the bird that landed on his podium during a speech the other evening, causing the crowd to go into a thunderous applause.
“Yeah, that symbolism is that he’s shit, and he’s going to shit all over everything,” said Donald Trump, after hearing of the event. “You can bet that’s true. I’ll make America great again, and no birds will be getting anywhere near my great country, except for the baldest of eagles.”
The bird, which flew down as Sanders was talking, did indeed leave a giant mess all over the podium, almost splashing Sanders in the process. The senator hid it well during the speech, but later, a staffer confirmed that it was a massive clean-up.
“You don’t even realize it, but it’s obviously the tiny birds that make the biggest messes,” said lowly Sanders staffer Mike Clarke. “I had to go out and scrub down the podium. I had to carefully get rid of the paper signs we had hanging. Then I had to take Mr. Sanders’ tie to the dry cleaners. It really got all over. I have no idea how the cameras didn’t pick it up. I think it must have been the crazy applause by the crowd that scared the literal shit out of that bird.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.
In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.
“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”
There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.
Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.