Bird That Landed On Sanders’ Podium Left Feces All Over It; Trump Calls Event ‘Symbolism’


PORTLAND, Oregon – 

Bernie Sanders says that there was some great symbolism in the bird that landed on his podium during a speech the other evening, causing the crowd to go into a thunderous applause.

“Yeah, that symbolism is that he’s shit, and he’s going to shit all over everything,” said Donald Trump, after hearing of the event. “You can bet that’s true. I’ll make America great again, and no birds will be getting anywhere near my great country, except for the baldest of eagles.”

The bird, which flew down as Sanders was talking, did indeed leave a giant mess all over the podium, almost splashing Sanders in the process. The senator hid it well during the speech, but later, a staffer confirmed that it was a massive clean-up.

“You don’t even realize it, but it’s obviously the tiny birds that make the biggest messes,” said lowly Sanders staffer Mike Clarke. “I had to go out and scrub down the podium. I had to carefully get rid of the paper signs we had hanging. Then I had to take Mr. Sanders’ tie to the dry cleaners. It really got all over. I have no idea how the cameras didn’t pick it up. I think it must have been the crazy applause by the crowd that scared the literal shit out of that bird.”

New, Rare Species of Flesh-Eating Shark-Bird Discovered in Costa Rica


COBANA, Costa Rica – 

A newly discovered, extremely rare species of shark and bird was discovered in Costa Rica late last week, after a nature photographer was able to capture the hybrid in pictures.

The new species, which scientists are dubbing a Shird, appeared in several photographs taken by the photographer, Joe Goldsmith, but so far has yet to be captured in the wild.

“We can tell by its teeth and face that it is, in fact, a bird that will eat meat – it’s definitely carnivorous,” said research scientist Joel Mitchell. “Judging from the photographs, we estimate the bird to be approximately the size of a large Vampire Bat, with a wingspan of about 3 feet.”

So far, Goldsmith has said that he has not been able to find another example of the bird in the wild, although he adamantly claims that he did not photoshop the image.

“No way, I don’t even know how to use a computer,” said Goldsmith. “That picture is as genuine as they come. I’m just glad that he didn’t swoop in and try to eat me or something!”

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