Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New Ice Cream Names, Flavors For 2015

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERBURY, Vermont –

It was just a few months ago that ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont, had come under a media firestorm for their flavor called ‘Hazed & Confused,’ a hazelnut ice cream with a name referencing the popular 90s film Dazed and Confused.

Although the company clearly meant no harm in the naming, several people pointed out that the name could be seen as promoting ‘hazing’ in schools, and asked for its renaming or removal from stores.

Ben & Jerry’s, which is owned by Unilever, said that instead of changing the name of that ice cream to something else, they would keep it as ‘Hazed and Confused,’ and not give in to detractors. Just this week, they announced more new flavors headed to market very soon.

“We have a history of coming up with fun, creative, and delicious ice creams,” said Stuart Gould, a longtime employee of the company who helps create new flavors. “Sometimes they’re controversial, like ‘Shweddy Balls,’ the Saturday Night Live ice cream. That time, we did change the name. But others, like ‘Americone Dream’ or ‘Phish Food’, those are classics that everyone loves.”

Gould says that because of the controversy surrounding several of their flavors over the years, they have decided to create new flavors, and that they hoped that anyone who was turned off by their ice cream before over naming issues would be sure to buy a pint or two.

“We’re calling the flavor ‘Go Fudge Yourself,’ and it’s so tasty! It’s chocolate ice cream with chocolate walnut brownie and fudge pieces, with a caramel and fudge swirl. We hope that it really gets the point across about how much we don’t give a fudge about negative opinion.”

The company says that ‘Go Fudge Yourself’ will be available starting in February. Other flavors in the line will include ‘Eat Deez Nuts,’ a vanilla flavored ice cream with peanuts and almonds, and another simply titled ‘Non-offensive Pun You’ll No Doubt Bitch About,’ which is a pistachio ice cream with vanilla bean swirl and chocolate-covered coffee beans.

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

Posted on September 2, 2014 by mike the inkman

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”