‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Cruz Reveals Shocking Donald Trump Affairs

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Pseudonyms were provided for several of the people involved in the alleged affairs of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The National Enquirer, the nation’s foremost rag magazine about celebrities and politicians, has been making waves over the last couple weeks after they revealed a series of shocking allegations of affairs that have been allegedly perpetrated by senator Ted Cruz. Although the presidential candidate has denied the allegations, the Enquirer has continued their investigation, and also come across a series of detailed affairs by another candidate, Donald Trump.

“Donald Trump has had multiple affairs over the years, and we’ve finally got the proof,” said Enquirer president Jordan Meeks. “We have been able to pinpoint solid information that Trump has had at least 2 female lovers. We are hiding their identities currently, and are referring to them solely as ‘Shmosie O’Shmonnel’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelly.’ We also are investigating an alleged affair with a man, who we are referring to as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

Donald Trump steadfastly denies the rumors, and says it’s “impossible” that he could possibly have had any affairs. Many people believed that Trump had worked with the Enquirer to spread the rumors about Ted Cruz, as he has close ties to the magazine, but the news breaking about his affairs seems to put a kibosh on his involvement.

“I have had plenty of failed businesses, and almost as many failed marriages, but none of those things failed because I’m a cheater,” said Trump. “I do a lot of things, and I say even more, but one thing I’ve never done is put my penis where it doesn’t belong when it doesn’t belong there. These allegations are as gross and exaggerated as any about me. I plan on suing the Enquirer for making these false claims.”

SHOCKING! Hillary Clinton Having Secret Affair With Bernie Sanders

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what seems like a story straight out of the mind of a political satirist, Senators Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are reportedly engaged in a “very torrid love affair,” according to insiders.

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In emails possibly more damaging to Clinton than Bengazi, a series of love letters, sexual fantasies, and nude selfies were leaked to the internet on Tuesday morning, reportedly exchanged between Clinton and Sanders. Although the two have become bitter rivals on the campaign trail, the emails show that most of what happens on stage and on TV during the race is mostly for show.

“I’m so glad to feel your ‘bern,'” said one email sent by Clinton to Sanders, along with a nude picture taken in a full-length mirror. “Bill has been looking past me for months. I needed someone to come along like you who can fulfill all my real needs. Can’t wait to see you out there, baby.”

There were multiple responses from Sanders as well, most of them filled with too many sexual expletives for printing.

Both candidates have denied any wrongdoing, and say that there is decidedly no “affair” happening between them. The emails were reportedly leaked by a Sanders staffer who used a laptop with the account left open by Sanders himself.

Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

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