‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Cruz Reveals Shocking Donald Trump Affairs

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Pseudonyms were provided for several of the people involved in the alleged affairs of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The National Enquirer, the nation’s foremost rag magazine about celebrities and politicians, has been making waves over the last couple weeks after they revealed a series of shocking allegations of affairs that have been allegedly perpetrated by senator Ted Cruz. Although the presidential candidate has denied the allegations, the Enquirer has continued their investigation, and also come across a series of detailed affairs by another candidate, Donald Trump.

“Donald Trump has had multiple affairs over the years, and we’ve finally got the proof,” said Enquirer president Jordan Meeks. “We have been able to pinpoint solid information that Trump has had at least 2 female lovers. We are hiding their identities currently, and are referring to them solely as ‘Shmosie O’Shmonnel’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelly.’ We also are investigating an alleged affair with a man, who we are referring to as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

Donald Trump steadfastly denies the rumors, and says it’s “impossible” that he could possibly have had any affairs. Many people believed that Trump had worked with the Enquirer to spread the rumors about Ted Cruz, as he has close ties to the magazine, but the news breaking about his affairs seems to put a kibosh on his involvement.

“I have had plenty of failed businesses, and almost as many failed marriages, but none of those things failed because I’m a cheater,” said Trump. “I do a lot of things, and I say even more, but one thing I’ve never done is put my penis where it doesn’t belong when it doesn’t belong there. These allegations are as gross and exaggerated as any about me. I plan on suing the Enquirer for making these false claims.”

[NSFW] ‘Paper’ Magazine Releases Untouched Pictures From Kim Kardashian’s Photo Shoot

LONDON, England – PAPER Magazine Releases Untouched Photos From Kim Kardashian's Photo Shoot

Earlier this week, Paper Magazine published an article featuring Kim Kardashain, a woman who has become famous for being famous, completely nude. The article was titled, conveniently, Break the Internet, and has unironically showed up in everyone’s Facebook feed ever since.

Today, Paper released one of the unedited photos from Kardashian’s shoot, much to the chagrin of both the star, and the photographer.

“I took the photos at the right angle and with the best lighting possible to really make Kim shine,” said photographer Gett N. Noshous. “Unfortunately, not even the best photographer in the world could get it right in the studio every single time, especially with what we were working with this time around, so we had to do some touch-ups in Photoshop. It’s a fairly common thing these days, whether it be for print of a mega publication, or even someone’s Facebook profile. Though as a professional, I really hate it when the untouched photos make it to the public view.”

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“I look just dreadful. Truly, dreadful,” said Kardashian. “The photos that they published, they were perfect. I’ve never been ashamed of my body, but when I saw the original, unedited photos, it made me wonder what Kanye would even want with me.  I don’t want that to be my public persona.”

“Personally, I have no problems with the original images getting out there,” said Charles Gerd, the photo editor hired to make the pictures more appealing. “I mean, all that really does for me is get me more work. The better job we do making someone look beautiful, the better my paychecks look.”

“I think the retouching goes too far these days,” said the editor of a major U.S. fashion magazine, who spoke under anonymity. “We pay photographers thousands to get the shots we want, and then we pay graphic designers thousands more to take those shots and make them more perfect. But who is to say what’s perfect? Why is one body better than another? Why is okay for Kim Kardashian’s ass to appear on the cover of a magazine and all over social media, but it’s not okay for a woman to breast feed in public? Why is it not okay to wear a two-piece bikini at the beach unless you’re a size zero? Breast feeding is natural. Having curves and being okay with that is natural. Kim’s bare butt on the cover of a magazine? Well, it’s not natural.”

What do you think? Would you rather see original, unedited images published in magazines, or do you think retouching and Photoshopping images is okay? Sound off in the comments!

 

 

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