A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.
“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”
According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.
Lakesa George of Baltimore was arrested on Thursday morning after she reportedly allowed her spoiled children to completely destroy the toy section of a local Goodwill store. Associates at the location say that they tried to get Ms. George to tell her children to stop, but she laughed at them.
“We noticed that her kids were running wild through the toys, and they were yanking everything off the shelf and just throwing it on the floor,” said store manager Mark Jones. “We asked Ms. George if she would control her children or we’d have to ask her to leave. She could barely be bothered enough to lift her eyes from her cell phone enough when she told me to ‘fuck myself,’ and that her kids could do whatever they wanted.”
According to police, Ms. George says that she has donated hundreds of items to Goodwill over the years, and that her kids have every right to go in and play with and do whatever they’d like with the toys.
“Every year, I donate me about 3 or 4 good outfits to the ‘Will,” said Lakesha George. “And I don’t mean no good outfits, I mean good outfits. They worth at least the amount that my kids messed up. Damn, that store ain’t seeing no more of my shit after this.”
Ms. George was arrested on trespassing charges after she refused to leave the store. Police were called, and a court has set her bail at $900. The children were taken by the state.
Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.
“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”
Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.
“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”
“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”
The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.
Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.
“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”
Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.
For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.
“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”
President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.
The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.
“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”
According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.
“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”
Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.
As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.
“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”
“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”
Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.
“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has confirmed that a baby mermaid that washed ashore just off of South America is, in fact, a real mermaid.
The creature, the first specimen of its kind to be studied by the agency, washed up on a beach, and was unfortunately already deceased. NOAA officials have said, though, that they had been tracking mermaids for some time, and although they had been able to photograph them previously, this was the first time that one had made its way to shore.
NOAA spokesperson Sandy Nixon first reported the findings to the Weekly World News, where she insisted that these “magical females,” which have been part of the lore of many different groups of people over thousands of years, were real.
“At least 65 mermaid researchers and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine the known evidence and have concluded that the half-human, half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us,” Nixon told WWN.
Experts indicate that the mermaids generally stick to warmer waters of the Caribbean, but are not unknown in the waters of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, including a small group of mermaids said to live off the shores of the coast of Maryland.