Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Would-Be Bank Robber Foiled By Bad Heart

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

Some people aren’t cut out to be criminals, as would-be bank robber, Tommy Perry found out the hard way.

Perry entered the Franklin Savings Bank with a backpack and a note instructing the teller to quickly empty her drawer. Witnesses say Perry seemed to be leaning on the counter as if to steady himself as she filled the bag. The teller had not even emptied her drawer before Perry suddenly fled out the door.

It is unclear how Perry planned to flee the area, but he did not make it out of the parking lot before collapsing.

Police discovered Perry lying between two parked cars, suffering from a heart attack and was detained and rushed to the hospital.

His wife says this may have been a blessing in disguise. “Tommy’s been under a lot of stress. He could’ve had a heart attack mowing the lawn, and we don’t have insurance right now. We would’ve been stuck with those medical bills. Now the state of Utah is footing the bill and he’s receiving the care he needs. All I can do is pray that if he doesn’t make it the life insurance policy will still go through. I’ll never forgive him if this means me and the kids won’t be taken care of.”

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says ‘He Is My Hero’

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

OAKLAND, California –

70-year-old actor Danny Trejo is being called a hero today, after reportedly catching a man who had robbed an 86-year-old woman of her life savings.

Trejo is a very well-known method actor, mostly known for portraying villains and anti-heroes in action films, but is loved by movie-goers and has a very large cult following.

After parking his car at a Ralph’s grocery store in Oakland, Trejo said he heard a woman screaming for help. “I looked up and saw an older woman waving her cane in the air and yelling for help. She pointed to a man running to a black pickup truck, then I noticed he had a woman’s purse as he was running,” Trejo told an Oakland police officer.

According to the police report, the assailant reportedly jumped into his truck and took off, so Trejo jumped back into his 2014 Bentley and followed the man. As the two sped through the streets of Oakland, a police officer spotted the car chase and took pursuit. After tailing the assailant for several miles, Trejo finally rear-ended the perpetrator’s truck, a stunt he had learned in his years of acting in action films.

Trejo got out of his vehicle and pulled the man out of his truck, wrestling him to the ground as police arrived on the scene. Police handcuffed both the assailant and Trejo at first, and placed the two in separate squad cars. Officer Larry Ragsdale, first on the scene, told Empire News that after questioning each of the men, it had become obvious what had happened.

“Mr. Trejo acted as a vigilante, and caught the man who had robbed an elderly woman, who had kept her life savings in her purse. The woman had over $14,000 in her bag. Although we do not condone citizens acting in such a manner, we determined that Mr. Trejo was only acting like a vigilante, and was not really purporting to be one, so we decided not to charge him with any crimes. Plus, I mean look at the guy – you can tell he’s one badass S.O.B. I know I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of Danny Trejo. No way in hell I was booking him.”

Edith Marie Carlton, the 86-year-old victim in the mugging, told Empire News that Trejo was like an angel. “God bless that man! I had everything I own in that purse, because I don’t believe in using a bank. I always just keep all my money on me. He is my hero. I learned my lesson, though, to leave the house with only the money I intend to use,” Carlton said. When asked if she recognized Trejo from films, she said she did.

“I think I’ve seen him playing a bad guy. Who can tell, right?” said Carlton. “All those bad people in the movies, they look the same to me. I don’t normally watch the violent pictures. At any rate, all I can say is – never judge a book by its cover!” she stated as she laughed.

The robbery suspect, who was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest, was said to be beaming with happiness during his booking process. “Did you guys hear? I got my ass kicked by Machete!” He reportedly told everyone, excitedly. Trejo refused comment at this time.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”

Woman Sues Pepper Spray Manufacturer After Can Found To Contain Silly String

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A robbery and attack on a local women in Texas is flooding the news this morning, but for reasons other than the actual attack. A 38-year-old woman, Joanne Lewis, was assaulted Wednesday night while walking her dog. She sustained minor injuries, and the assailant left with only $23 dollars and her cell phone.

Where the story takes an interesting turn is that when Lewis attempted to fight back with what she thought was her recently-purchased can of pepper spray, the product turned out to be silly string.

Lewis is now taking the matter to court, claiming negligence on the part of the company the produced the silly string, claiming things could have gone a lot differently if the attack was more serious.

“I was trying to save my life and my belongings, not set up a silly prank.” said Lewis. “He came at me and asked for my [expletive] money, and when I reached in my purse for my spray I screamed ‘take that!’ Once the silly string came out the guy began to laugh in my face, and then pushed me to the ground.”

The company who made the defective pepper spray, Sting & String, has refused to comment, but according to their website, the company does manufacture both pepper spray and silly string. The woman is claiming that negligence is the cause for this mix up, and the company will pay.

“I’m very lucky to still be alive, and the fact that this happened to me makes me wonder how many other people this has affected. I can only imagine little kids at a birthday party playing with silly string and actually pepper spraying each other.” Said Lewis.

The company has recalled the product for the time being, and suggests that their previous customers do a test spray before using any of their items.