Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Several Banks Looking To Impose Negative Interest Rates On Customers

Posted on June 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Several national banks have begun looking into the possibility of charging a negative interest rate on all accounts, both check and savings, to all their accountholders.

UE Bank, one of the nation’s largest private banking firms, was the first to implement the change to their customers’ accounts, and since then several other large banks, including Bank of The United States, C.J. Manhattan, Wells-Fortune United, and CitiCorp have all started looking into changing their interest rates to negative amounts as well.

“What this means for our customer is that instead of us paying you a few pennies a month to hold your money, you pay us instead.” Said Maxwell Chase, CEO of UE Banks. “A normal interest rate is about .08%, so you know, it’s not like you’re earning much anyway. We [banks] are taking all the risk holding onto your money. We have to insure it and all that. Heck, we could get robbed! It’s high risk handling cash. So we decided that on top of our normal banking fees, we’ll now start implementing a -.08% interest rate, so every month you give us just a small taste of your account balance, and we’ll promise to keep it safe and working for you.”

Naturally, banking customers are furious over this new change started by UE, and customers from other banking institutions are already protesting by removing their cash and closing accounts.

“I got hit one day with a $48 fee because I was over-drafted by eleven cents.” Said Chris Sharpe, a longtime customer of Wells-Fortune United. “I went in to talk to them about it, and they wouldn’t do a thing for me. Not a damn thing. I’ve been a customer for over 20 years, and never had any other incidents, and they just shut me down. I should have left then. I tell you what, if they’re going to charge me to hold onto my money, I’m taking it out right now. My mattress will hold my cash for free!”

Sharpe isn’t the only person to complain about banking fees, with many other customers of several banks saying they experienced similar problems.

“I was a customer at UE for about 4 years. I had my identity stolen through PayPal or eBay, and it charged my card about $200.” Said Francis Miller. “I asked them to reverse the charges, and they wouldn’t, saying I had to prove that it wasn’t me. How can I prove that it wasn’t me who did something? It cost me the $200, plus another $45 a day in overdraft fees. After about 2 weeks, it was all figured out. They took care of the $200, but those overdraft fees? Yup, I still owed them. I hate banks.”

“That’s not an uncommon feeling.” Said Professor Richard Kim, a financial advisor and teacher at Columbia University. “These banks, they charge what I call ‘fictional fees.’ There is no reason they need to charge you hundreds of dollars for over-drafting a small amount. All that money, it’s completely digital – completely fake, if you will. They have every ability to wipe away whatever they want, but they’d rather just try and force people to pay for something that they don’t rightfully owe.”

With most banks starting their new fiscal year on July 1st, it’s possible that these new negative interest rates could be implemented this year. So far, only the five major banks mentioned here have begun to look into the option, but Professor Kim warns all banking customers to keep an eye on their institution’s interest rates and fees.

“They change these things on a whim, always.” Said Kim. “Keep your eye on the big guys!”