Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

kroger

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

 

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As ‘It’s 2015’

Stores Begin Denying Patrons Who Want To Pay By Check, Explain New Policy As 'It's 2015'

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Patrons in the Best Buy in Salt Lake City were surprised recently when the store informed them that were changing their policies on payment, and would no longer be accepting checks for purchases.

“I could’t believe it,” said Mary Hutton, 82, who was there to buy a new washing machine. “They said that they took cash, credit, or debit, but no longer took checks. I was shocked. I still am. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Best Buy, as well as several other retailers, say the answer is simple – it’s 2015, and checks have been a dead payment format for decades.

“Ever since banks started issuing debit cards with every checking account, the only people who have used checks are old women and people who are floating a check because they don’t have the money in their account to cover the purchase yet – or they don’t have it at all, and are committing a crime,” said Best Buy CFO Tim Lorde. “Either way, we have no use for checks.”

Employees of several locations say they are extremely happy that the stores have stopped taking checks, as the process for accepting them is extremely slow, and more often than not, the checks are declined anyway.

“We took checks, and just ran them, essentially, like a debit card,” said Best Buy employee Molly Hamlin. “It would be instantly approved or denied. Of course, people didn’t know that, and they were trying to get something for nothing when they had no cash in their accounts, and they’d get declined – then they’d get mad at me, like it was my fault their broke ass couldn’t afford a new TV. Sorry, but pay in cash or by credit like a normal person.”

Many grocery stores and department stores are also starting to phase out check systems in their stores.

“We really want everyone to just pay, and get the hell out,” said grocery store manager Troy Lippit. “Checks slow everyone down. You can see these old women coming in, every Sunday, buying a gallon of milk and having to write a check while behind them a line of people forms, angrily staring her down wondering why she hasn’t gotten into the next century.”

According to banking professionals, checks should be completely obsolete by 2017, with most stores not accepting them by next year. They will, at that point, only be used to pay rent.

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

CINCO RANCH, Texas – Coupon Queen Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars - You'll Never Guess How

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”

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