Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

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LINCOLN, Nebraska – 

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Family Sells Haunted Doll For $3.7M At Auction

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A family in Florida have become millionaires overnight after selling a doll that has been in their family for the last 40 years. The doll sold for almost $4 million dollars at auction because the family listed it as “haunted” with the auction house.

“That doll has been tormenting our family for over 4o years, and every time we tried to get rid of it, it would come back,” said Mark Rogers, who had originally picked up the doll for his daughter at a yard sale in 1974. “I paid fifty cents for it back then, so I’d say we got our money’s worth on it. Thing is, I can’t honestly be sure it won’t come back again.”

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The person who bought the doll, Gary Smith, says that he couldn’t pass up owning a haunted doll, even if it cost $4 million.

“There was another bidder on the phones, and he was pushing it up and up, but I just had to have it,” said Smith. “I have a large collection of odd, bizarre, and creepy things in my house, so this will fit it nicely.”

According to Rogers, the doll has been locked away in their basement for the last 10 years or so.

“When we had it out last, it killed our dog and splayed the blood everywhere while we slept,” said Rogers. “I’ve tried everything to get rid of it. Burning, throwing it in the trash, shredding it, smashing it with a hammer – we even took it on a trip to Greece one time, and left it behind. Sure enough, it was sitting on the couch when we got back. Selling it is the last thing that we’re trying. I figured I bought it, and it never went back to the previous owner, so maybe this will work. I hope to Christ it does.”

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

BERLIN, New Hampshire – 

A previously unseen painting that has been confirmed to be by Leonardo Da Vinci was recently found in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Berlin, New Hampshire. The painting, which had apparently hung in the clinic for many years, was thrown away after falling from the wall and the frame cracking in the process.

“We certainly didn’t know what it was when we threw it away,” said abortionist Dr. Rachel Cline. “If we had, we would have sold it years ago, instead of keeping it on the wall for sad, pregnant teen moms to look at while waiting for their lives to change forever.”

The painting was purchased at a garage sale by Dr. Cline in 1997, at a local home, but says she’s forgotten exactly where. She said it had hung in her clinic for the better part of 20 years before she tossed it after a large truck driving by shook it off the wall. As luck would have it though, a homeless resident of Berlin saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and pulled it out.

“Before I took up my crack habit, I was a world-renowned scholar and professor of art history,” said vagrant Sonny Encher. “I saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and it looked so much like a Da Vinci, I had to check it out.”

Encher toook the painting to a former colleague who, along with a team of art history professors and researchers, confirmed it to be an original, long-lost painting by the world-famous artist.

“I don’t know who gets the money for this painting when it sells,” said Encher, “But I better be getting a damn cut of it. They threw it out, I saved it, and it’s worth probably $6 or $7 million. I could certainly use more crack, and that would help a lot.”

Currently, the artwork is being restored by a professional team, and is expected to be put up for sale at auction through Sotheby’s, with an expected fetch of $7+ million. No word on how the painting ended up in New Hampshire, or who owned the painting originally.

Big Sean Alleges He Has Naya Rivera Sex Tape; Looks To Sell For $75M

HOLLYWOOD, California – Big Sean Alleges He Has Naya Rivera Sex Tape; Looks To Sell For 25M

Over the years, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Tonya Harding, and many more bared all on camera, and had their sex tapes leaked or sold to the public. Now, hip-hop artist Sean Anderson, better known by his stage name Big Sean, is looking for buyers of an alleged sex tape he made with Naya Rivera while the couple were engaged.

“This tape is a hot commodity, for sure. This isn’t just some has-beens or wannabes screwing on camera to get famous, this is two big names at the peak of their careers,” said Hollywood reporter Dennis Diamond. ”If it’s real, then everybody will want to get their hands on this tape. I mean, Naya Rivera isn’t exactly ugly or anything, if you know what I mean. If I had to guess whether or not a tape like this existed, though, I’d say no way in hell.” 

“Let me just say here that I’m already tired of hearing ‘Naya this’ and ‘Naya that.’ This isn’t the Naya Rivera hour, bitches. I am the star of this tape, not Naya. They don’t call me ‘Big Sean’ for nothing,” the rapper said. ”Yeah, sure Naya is pretty, but it’s me that’s packing a fire hose down there. Big Sean don’t lie. I’m holding out for big bucks with this one. I want $75 mil plus for this tape, which has it all, baby. It also finally answers the question of whether you can put 20 pounds of potatoes in a 10 pound sack. The answer is yes, with leverage and tons of lubricant. Someone better buy this tape, I gotsta get paid.” 

Karen Belton, River’s manager, said that aside from talking confusingly in both the first and third person, Big Sean is “completely full of shit.”

“There is no sex tape, and if there is, Naya is definitely not in it. Further, if there was a sex tape, Naya definitely would not give her permission for its release, so there isn’t going to be any payday here. Big Sean can just sit home and play with his Little Sean until the cows come home, because no one is ever seeing any tape of Naya in the nude, or engaged in any sex acts.”

Big Sean’s current girlfriend, Ariana Grande, had no comment on her man trying to make money off of sex with a former girlfriend. The couple, who have recently been subject to rumors that they were on the outs after Sean cheated, seemed cozy recently in pictures posted on their respective Instagram accounts.

A spokesman for Vivid Video, a major distributor of celebrity sex tapes and adult films, laughed and then immediately hung up the phone when reached for comment on the asking price of the sex tape.

Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

MEDINA, Washington – Bill Gates Pays $12 Million Ransom For Return Of Beloved Pet Fish; Suspect Remains At Large

In a bizarre kidnapping incident, billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, paid a reported $12 Million ransom for the safe return of his beloved pet, a 45-year-old Australian Lungfish named Buster. The suspect, who warned Gates not to contact police after stealthily kidnapping the fish, remains at large.

After the fish was safely returned to his Medina, Washington residence, it was then that Gates contacted police. According to Medina Police Department spokesperson Lester McShay, Gates did not contact police during the incident out of fear that the suspect would go through with his threat to kill Buster.

“Mr. Gates made an emotional judgement call in not contacting police out of fear of retaliation, and decided that the twelve-million dollars meant nothing compared to the life of Buster, a fish he has owned since he was a young boy,” McShay said in an early morning press briefing. “It remains unclear whether or not the assailant acted alone, or with a team of bandits.”

Gates has stepped up security at his Medina estate by hiring off-duty police officers, as advised by Medina Police chief Leonardo Roscorelli, a close friend of his.

McShay stated that Gates never actually saw the suspect on his property, and surveillance cameras captured images of a man wearing a blackout suit, in which the entire body, including face and eyes, are covered.

“It is like something out of a movie, this guy really knew what he was doing. What we have not figured out is how he knew about the loving relationship between Buster and Bill Gates. This may have been an inside job, committed by someone he has befriended,” McShay explained. “Surveillance cameras located outside Mr. Gates’ residence only showed the man running away while carrying a large plastic container of the Rubbermaid brand. No getaway vehicle was spotted on any of the video surveillance, unfortunately.”

Buster is said to be healthy and in good spirits following the traumatic incident.

 

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

CINCO RANCH, Texas – Coupon Queen Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars - You'll Never Guess How

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”

Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

A St. Louis man was lucky enough to attain something almost everyone in the world dreams about when last Wednesday he hit the jackpot on a state-sponsored scratch-off ticket. Robert Henry, age 43, won a whopping one million dollars on a scratch off ticket he purchased at a Puff-N-Stop gas station.

“He is obviously a huge gambler with a serious addiction,” said store clerk Charles DeWitt. “He always has been as far as I can tell, since he comes in two, sometimes three times a day to buy scratchers. He’s been doing it for as long as I’ve owned the store, which is about 11 year or so now. I’m not surprised he won big, but I am surprised it took this long.”

Sadly, things seemed to take an immediate turn for the worse, as Henry, despite winning more money in that one moment than he’d ever had in his life, curiously took all the winnings and used the money to buy more scratch tickets.

“We were pretty stocked on scratch tickets here, and when Robert came in and asked for every scratcher we had, I laughed for a good while,” said Joe Perry, a clerk at a St. Louis Cumberland Farms gas station. “It wasn’t until I realized [Mr. Henry] was serious that I sold him the tickets. All-told, he spent about $50,000 alone just in my shop.”

According to Henry’s now soon to be ex-wife, he bounced around from store to store throughout the entire city, until all his winnings were spent. After buying several hundred thousand tickets, Henry’s winnings ended up being approximately $325.

“That’s why I left the dumb sumbitch,” said Charlene Henry, Robert’s wife of 20 years. “I didn’t even know he’d won the million. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He collected won, drove to the state lottery offices, collected the winnings, and went right back out. I never saw a penny of that money, and neither did he, the stupid-ass.”

“Well, they say hindsight is 20-20,” said Henry from his room at a local addiction clinic. “Next time maybe I’ll save some of that money instead. But hey, it’s winning that counts, right?”

 

President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama's Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 million At Auction

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China. 

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”

 

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