Woman Claims Defective Vibrator Got Her Pregnant

cheating

GREENVALE, Georgia – 

A young woman from Georgia claims she found herself pregnant after using a faulty vibrator. Kristy Richards, 28, claims she has fallen victim to a mechanical failure of the device that was recently bought off the internet.

“I was starting to use my new toy when it made a strange noise, and then it started shaking like crazy,” said Richards. “It felt like I had jackhammer between my legs! I managed to take it out just as it was spurting white goo all over the place. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later. Thankfully, actually, as my boyfriend is sterile and we were not able to have children otherwise.”

Anthony Richards, 30, admits he was devastated by the news at first, but is now happy with the situation.

“My first thought was that she had cheated on me, but when she told me that her vibrator was defective, I breathed a sigh of relief,” he told reporters. “We were not expecting this, but God obviously had different plans for us.”

The couple originally considered suing the manufacturer of the sex toy, but changed their minds when they realized that their every prayer had been answered by the defect.

“Of course we did not anticipate raising a child so soon into our relationship, so that’s a downfall. Plus, there are people in his family who want me to get a DNA test, because they still think I cheated. That’s dumb! I would never do such a thing. We all know it was the defective toy that got me pregnant.”

The couple say that they are “extremely relieved” that they no longer have to worry about expensive fertility treatments.

Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

cash

LINCOLN, Nebraska – 

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

tinyhouse

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Couple Arrested For Having Sex On Front Lawn of House

sex

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.

Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”

Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”

When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.

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