GREENVALE, Georgia –
A young woman from Georgia claims she found herself pregnant after using a faulty vibrator. Kristy Richards, 28, claims she has fallen victim to a mechanical failure of the device that was recently bought off the internet.
“I was starting to use my new toy when it made a strange noise, and then it started shaking like crazy,” said Richards. “It felt like I had jackhammer between my legs! I managed to take it out just as it was spurting white goo all over the place. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later. Thankfully, actually, as my boyfriend is sterile and we were not able to have children otherwise.”
Anthony Richards, 30, admits he was devastated by the news at first, but is now happy with the situation.
“My first thought was that she had cheated on me, but when she told me that her vibrator was defective, I breathed a sigh of relief,” he told reporters. “We were not expecting this, but God obviously had different plans for us.”
The couple originally considered suing the manufacturer of the sex toy, but changed their minds when they realized that their every prayer had been answered by the defect.
“Of course we did not anticipate raising a child so soon into our relationship, so that’s a downfall. Plus, there are people in his family who want me to get a DNA test, because they still think I cheated. That’s dumb! I would never do such a thing. We all know it was the defective toy that got me pregnant.”
The couple say that they are “extremely relieved” that they no longer have to worry about expensive fertility treatments.
PUTNAM, Florida –
The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution. Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.
Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before. He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind. “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.
“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries. “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”
Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.
The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals. “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries. “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”
The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.
It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.
LYNN, Massachusetts –
A white and black house cat and his owners are wanted in connection with a robbery of Loomos Bros. Liquor on Boston Street in Lynn. The cat was strapped with what appeared to be explosives, a GoPro camera, and a fanny pack.
The cat was also equipped with a microphone. “The cat wandered in, and at first I thought it was cute,” said store owner Joe Lewis. ” Then I heard a voice saying the pussy was armed, and to put the money from the register in the fanny pack.”
In the 911 recording, the operator at first informs the owner of the penalties for abusing 911, but reluctantly dispatches police. Investigators say the owner’s story has been backed up by store surveillance videos.
Edward Rogers, lead investigator, says, “We expect the perpetrators are local. Someone had to know someone was training a cat in this neighborhood, and there will be a leak. I have no doubts.”
Police say the cat is a black and white tabby, with spots on his back. He was last seen wearing a green fanny pack. People in the area of Boston Street who have seen the cat are encouraged to contact police.
LOS ANGELES, California –
Channing Tatum fans mourned with the actor at the loss of his daughter’s pet goat, Heather, earlier in the week. As the issue circled social media, some commented with “who cares about a celebrity’s livestock?”, but outraged goat-lovers felt for Tatum and his family, saying goats are lovable pets. One who apparently never found the goat lovable was Jenna Dewan Tatum who is said to have been grossed out by the goat and wanted it dead.
Hired stable hand to the stars, and former Tatum goat boy, Jesus Martinez, says Jenna always hated the goat. “She always complain of the smell. And said the goat would give her daughter worms. Heather was stubborn old goat who would’ve refused to die another five years. Mrs. Tatum threatened to poison her all the time. Maybe this time she did. Who to say? I am not animal doctor. I just know that death come too soon for poor Heather.”
Jealous women everywhere are calling for Channing to divorce Jenna, saying any one of them would be a better mommy to their child, Everly Tatum. “She aint no kind of woman if she wanted that sweet little goat to die. I would clean up the goat poop myself if it meant I got to lay my head on Channing’s sweet rippled chest at night,” says hopeful next-in-line Mia Kelly, superfan. “Goat poop, kid poop, whatever poop – who cares? Have you seen Channing with his clothes off? Mmm, mmm.”
SAN FRANCISCO, California –
Two unnamed men were admitted to a San Francisco hospital yesterday after becoming stuck together during a sex-act known as ‘docking.’ Apparently popular in the homosexual community, docking is when a man sticks the head of his erect penis against the head of his partner’s, and his partner will cover his penis with the foreskin. The pair then perform mutual masturbation while standing or laying next to one another.
Doctors say that the men, who were both in their early 30s, were brought into the emergency room after becoming ‘fused together’ while docking.
“Basically, the man’s foreskin was too tight to really stretch around his partner’s penis, and when they began the act, the skin pulled tighter. This, mixed with sweat and pre-ejaculate, caused the men to be stuck together,” said Dr. Patrick Darcy of the San Francisco General Hospital. “We brought the pair into surgery, where we essentially performed an adult circumcision on one of the men. It was quick, but no doubt extremely painful for both of them.”
A nurse who spoke with Empire News under the promise of annonymity said that she almost couldn’t stop laughing when the men were brought in.
“I’m not homophobic or anything. I don’t care what they were doing – hell, it probably felt great before this happened,” said the nurse. “But I tell you, the guys, when they got wheeled in, most of us nurses had to rush to the bathrooms or the break room and just belt out with laughter. It was too much – and I’m not talking about the penis sizes, either.”
The men were treated and released shortly after the minor surgery.