Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

Two Men Transported To Hospital After Horrible ‘Docking’ Sex-Act Accident

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Two unnamed men were admitted to a San Francisco hospital yesterday after becoming stuck together during a sex-act known as ‘docking.’ Apparently popular in the homosexual community, docking is when a man sticks the head of his erect penis against the head of his partner’s, and his partner will cover his penis with the foreskin. The pair then perform mutual masturbation while standing or laying next to one another.

Doctors say that the men, who were both in their early 30s, were brought into the emergency room after becoming ‘fused together’ while docking.

“Basically, the man’s foreskin was too tight to really stretch around his partner’s penis, and when they began the act, the skin pulled tighter. This, mixed with sweat and pre-ejaculate, caused the men to be stuck together,” said Dr. Patrick Darcy of the San Francisco General Hospital. “We brought the pair into surgery, where we essentially performed an adult circumcision on one of the men. It was quick, but no doubt extremely painful for both of them.”

A nurse who spoke with Empire News under the promise of annonymity said that she almost couldn’t stop laughing when the men were brought in.

“I’m not homophobic or anything. I don’t care what they were doing – hell, it probably felt great before this happened,” said the nurse. “But I tell you, the guys, when they got wheeled in, most of us nurses had to rush to the bathrooms or the break room and just belt out with laughter. It was too much – and I’m not talking about the penis sizes, either.”

The men were treated and released shortly after the minor surgery.

Man With Disorder Has Hundreds Of Orgasms A Day; Says ‘Life is Amazing’

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Scott Smith of Boston, Massachusetts, considers himself the luckiest man alive. For the last several years, Smith has suffered from Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome, or PGAS. Five years ago, Mr. Smith injured his groin muscles while lifting and mounting a big screen TV to the wall. On his way to the hospital, he says that he ejaculated ‘5 or 6 times,’ and the orgasms have not stopped since.

“Life is amazing, just amazing,” said the 32-year-old. ”My girlfriend left me because I couldn’t last more than a minute or two. I lost my job because I kept ejaculating all over the place every few minutes. But you know, what? Who cares?! I’m orgasming hundreds of times a day, and it feels Goddamned amazing!”

Smith says that the orgasms can happen at any time, day or night, with little to no triggers.

“I never know what’s going to set it off. I like to go to the park and watch the joggers, or sometimes the mall, or even the subway – any where chicks hang out. When I orgasm, I’ll shout out ‘this one’s for you, baby!’ I can’t control it, so naturally I try to avoid playgrounds and elementary schools. Just because I cum hundreds of times a day doesn’t mean I’m a creep.”

Despite the amazing feeling that Smith receives literally hundreds of times a day, he says that PGAS does have its downsides.

“I started wearing diapers at night so I don’t ruin my sheets, and during the day I wear condoms or else I’ll go through tons of underwear. I used to just let them crust up, but that’s embarrassing when you have to do your laundry at the laundromat. I just change out the rubber when it gets full, but all things consider [PGAS] is like a gift from God that just keeps cumming and cumming.”

Smith says he is using internet dating sites to find a woman who has similar symptoms.

“PGAS is even more rare in women,” said Smith. “But if I can find a girl who cums as much as I do, we’ll be a match made in heaven!”

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Posted on August 17, 2014 by DvanL

AVON, Massachusetts –

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it. I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would. So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down. Now I’m the bad guy? I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton. “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’ “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court. “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said. I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone. “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off. Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients! Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said. When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom. “Mr. Malone is the victim here. He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety. The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone. “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off. I don’t think so son,” he added. “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper. I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.

Peyton Manning Injured, Team Says He’s Out For Season

Posted on July 26, 2014 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

Not only will fantasy football rosters be ruined for everyone, but a season is in jeopardy for a team thought to be the top competitor coming into the NFL season this fall. Reports of Peyton Manning being out for the season have been confirmed by the team doctor after an injury that occurred in a walk-through practice.

The team was doing simple drills with no pads or contact, and Manning still found a way to break his ankle in three places, leaving him off the roster for the Denver Broncos.

The injury occurred when Manning dropped back for a pass and tripped over equipment that had been left out.

It is unclear when and if he will return to the field, but sources have confirmed that the equipment manager has been fired due to the incident. The Bronocos will be looking for hope in their back-up quarterback Brock Osweiler.

Osweiler says that he is nervous, but also ready to lead the team back to the Super Bowl.

“It’s crazy how it happened but when you get a chance to start in the NFL as a quarterback you have to take it,” said Osweiler. “Being a backup QB, I am more than prepared for this type of thing to happen, but I also thought if it did happen it would be during the season. I’m not saying it won’t be tough to follow Peyton Manning, but I have nothing but faith in myself, the team, and the organization.”

Tests are being run on Manning to see how critical the damages are to the ankle and if returning to play during the 2014-2015 season will be an option for the all-star quarterback.