Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

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Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

CARSONVILLE, Iowa – 

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

Man Files Lawsuit After Planet Fitness Revokes His Membership For Getting ‘Too Fit’

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jonathan Ragsdale, 32, of Louisville, Kentucky was greeted with a surprise last Monday morning when he walked in to his neighborhood Planet Fitness. He was told to hand in his membership card and was given an immediate refund. Why? Because management decided that Ragsdale simply had gotten “too fit” after losing over 100 pounds and building muscle mass comparable to a professional athlete, and by doing so he had become “visibly intimidating.” He then returned the favor by filing a lawsuit, claiming he maintained a “lunk-free attitude.”

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Planet Fitness is a franchise fitness center which prides itself on maintaining an ‘intimidation-free and lunk-free atmosphere.’ The term ‘lunk’ is a word made up by Planet Fitness used to describe one who grunts, drops weights, and judges other members. In all of its fitness centers across the country, there is even a ‘lunk alarm’ that will go off if they believe a person is behaving in a lunky way.

Ragsdale’s lawyer, Jason “The Hammer” Volz says that his client in no way violated the organizations lunk-free code.

“Mr. Ragsdale showed up alone and worked out at this particular venue five times a week, in six months he lost over 100 pounds and now looks like The Rock. He always stayed quiet, never dropped weights, helped others when they needed help. Then last week he walks in and they immediately sound the Lunk Alarm, and revoked his membership, which embarrassed him, causing him to stop working out and to begin binge eating,” Volz told the Louisville Times. “Basically, they singled him out for looking too good, nowhere in their self-imposed terms of membership does it say you can be ousted and be considered a lunk based upon visual appearance only. It is ludicrous.”

In the last week since his membership was revoked, Ragsdale has reportedly gained back an astonishing 34 pounds. He is suing the company over the emotional distress of being referred to as a “lunk.”

 

Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

LOS ANGELES, California – Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers.  The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

AVON, Massachusetts – 

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it.  I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would.  So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down.  Now I’m the bad guy?  I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton.  “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’  “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court.  “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said.   I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone.  “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off.  Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients!  Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said.  When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom.  “Mr. Malone is the victim here.  He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety.  The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone.  “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off.  I don’t think so son,” he added.  “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper.  I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.

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