Wal-Mart Sued For Adding Wood Pulp To Parmesan Cheese

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Walmart’s Great Value food brand has been slapped by a lawsuit over a cheese product it sold that allegedly contained wood pulp.

The plaintiff, Marc Moschetta, claims he was induced to purchase Great Value’s “100% Grated Parmesan Cheese” at a premium price because he believed it was, indeed, 100 percent cheese. But it contains 7 to 10 percent cellulose — a filler and anti-clumping agent derived from wood chips — according to a complaint filed last week, which accuses the retail brand of deceptive business practices.

The lawsuit seeks a jury trial and alleges “material misrepresentations” under New York law and laws in 42 other states. The 8-ounce cheese costs $2.98 on Walmart.com.

“We know earning customer trust starts with high standards for the products we carry,” Walmart spokesman Randy Hargrove told CNBC. “We take this matter seriously. We will review the allegations once we have received the complaint and will respond appropriately with the court.”

Moschetta says that he is mostly mad because he was “really looking forward” to enjoying a big plate of his mom’s spaghetti for dinner, and it was ruined by pine-tasting pieces.

McDonald’s Manager Assaults Customer With Mozzarella Sticks

Posted on January 1, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

Fed up with all the complaints she was getting about the new McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, shift leader Harriet Truman threw a box of fresh, hot mozzarella sticks at an irate customer. Because of flaws in the baking process, the sticks may or may not still have their cheesy centers. The customer had gone through the drive-thru, and came in upset that she had gotten a “dud stick”.

Truman tried to defuse the customer by replacing the order, but the customer was still not happy.

Gloria Potts, the customer who was assaulted with the cheesy deliciousness, says she was mad that she had to get out of her car in the first place. “The only reason I do go to McDonald’s is so I can get my afternoon snacks without getting out of the car. I deserved to be compensated for having to do that. All she wanted to do was give me a new batch. I want that, plus my money back, plus some coupons for free food at a later date. I’m the customer, and the customer is always right.”

Truman was not fired, but did receive a warning from corporate not to throw food. She was taken into police custody for assault, but released on $50 bail. McDonalds is aware of the issue and offered a public apology Thursday after receiving numerous complaints about the lack of mozzarella in their cheesy snacks.

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

CARSONVILLE, Iowa –

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

Posted on September 24, 2014 by DvanL

NIAGARA FALLS, New York –

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends? You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone. A new phrase may take its place: Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo. “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back. Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV. The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me. I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’ Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said. “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs. My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment. Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo. I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added. “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

Researchers Find Chemical In Doritos Linked To Male Impotence

Posted on June 28, 2014 by EmperorJared

STOCKHOLM — Swedish Researchers at the University of Stockholm released a startling report to their Parliament over the weekend linking popular american brand tortilla chip, Doritos to male impotence and a negative birthrate in Sweden.

The mega-popular snack commonly consumed during televised sporting events, bar-b-cues, parties, and all night video game binges is linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in cows and men who consume the salty corn snacks four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of expired Doritos product set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped.” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production…levels equal to that of a steer (A bull that sings soprano).

Mass spectrometry technicians in the lab found metabolized compounds consisting mostly of Dorito chip additives, including RED 40 and MonoSodiumGlutamate (MSG) to be the culprit in the bulls sudden lack of ambition.

The delicious, saliva-stimulating gooey paste covering each tortilla chip eventually plugged up testosterone receptor sites in the bull’s testicles, rendering them useless.

Anybody that has ever eaten handfuls of tasty Doritos chips easily recognizes the gooey paste left behind on their fingers. Dr. Blondell wondered if Swedish men are similarly affected. She theorized that men frequently consume the most gooey paste during televised sporting events and set out to prove it.

During weekend games, off campus observers confirmed most single men, instead of getting up to wash their hands or grab a napkin, opt to lick their fingers clean of the Doritos gooey paste before grabbing another beer or thumbing the television remote. Some literarily scrape it off with their teeth.

It was good news for the bulls that their new eunuch condition wasn’t permanent. A return to their normal diet restored their fitness, ambition, and testosterone levels, but Blondell’s startling discovery was enough for Sweden’s Parliament members to place a national import ban on Doritos and certain snack chips beginning next year to combat Sweden’s already declining birth rate citing a possible correlation.