STOCKHOLM — Swedish Researchers at the University of Stockholm released a startling report to their Parliament over the weekend linking popular american brand tortilla chip, Doritos to male impotence and a negative birthrate in Sweden.
The mega-popular snack commonly consumed during televised sporting events, bar-b-cues, parties, and all night video game binges is linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in cows and men who consume the salty corn snacks four times a week or more.
Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of expired Doritos product set aside for the school farm’s hogs.
Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.
“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped.” Blondell reported.
Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production…levels equal to that of a steer (A bull that sings soprano).
Mass spectrometry technicians in the lab found metabolized compounds consisting mostly of Dorito chip additives, including RED 40 and MonoSodiumGlutamate (MSG) to be the culprit in the bulls sudden lack of ambition.
The delicious, saliva-stimulating gooey paste covering each tortilla chip eventually plugged up testosterone receptor sites in the bull’s testicles, rendering them useless.
Anybody that has ever eaten handfuls of tasty Doritos chips easily recognizes the gooey paste left behind on their fingers. Dr. Blondell wondered if Swedish men are similarly affected. She theorized that men frequently consume the most gooey paste during televised sporting events and set out to prove it.
During weekend games, off campus observers confirmed most single men, instead of getting up to wash their hands or grab a napkin, opt to lick their fingers clean of the Doritos gooey paste before grabbing another beer or thumbing the television remote. Some literarily scrape it off with their teeth.
It was good news for the bulls that their new eunuch condition wasn’t permanent. A return to their normal diet restored their fitness, ambition, and testosterone levels, but Blondell’s startling discovery was enough for Sweden’s Parliament members to place a national import ban on Doritos and certain snack chips beginning next year to combat Sweden’s already declining birth rate citing a possible correlation.