Quack Doctor Arrested in ‘Urine Therapy’ Scam

NEW YORK, New York – Quack Doctor Arrested in 'Urine Therapy' Scam

In 1988, Dr. Peter Hobart rented a commercial space on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and transformed it into a drug testing facility.

“His place was always packed,” said local deli worker Luke Jacobs.  “Everybody called him Doctor P.  He had a million clients, people were pouring in and out of the place like crazy.”

What Jacobs and the rest of the city didn’t know was that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all – he’s a longtime con-man who apparently has a rather strange fetish.

Hobart asked several clients to take part in a bogus “urine/oxygen” study he was conducting.  Volunteers were required to produce and submit urine samples, some as frequently as 3 times a week. After many months, when no study appeared, several of his clients began to suspect the water in the well was bad.

One patient took part in the fake doc’s so-called ‘Trevi Fountain’ project.  “He wanted to find out if a person would go to the bathroom more if a song or a movie that had to do with rain, or the ocean was playing in the background, that kind of thing” said Patient X.  “He said it was psychological, and I’d be in a medical journal. One day when I was about to give my sample, Dr. P. brought in a tv, and played that famous movie with the blonde lady who runs through the water fountain in Italy  – La Dolce Vita – that’s the name of it. Anyway, so I had to do ‘number one’ during the water fountain scene, and Dr. P. took notes. He accidentally dropped his clipboard and I just happened to glance down at it; the page was just full of doodles of penises – some had smiling faces, some were erect, and most of them were peeing.  I pretended I didn’t notice, but I felt all sick inside. As soon as I left I called the police. I didn’t even use my real name when I called, I was so embarrassed.”

Dr. P. was arrested last month and charged with falsifying medical records, misrepresentation, medical quackery, and Medicare fraud.  A hidden camera was also discovered in a room used by clients to produce samples.

Officials estimate it will take three to four months to retrace the financial trail Hobart left in his wake. “We’ll never be able to locate all the paperwork,” said one accountant from the DA’s office, “and people are too embarrassed to give information. Can’t blame them, I guess. I’d be so pissed off if something like that happened to me.”

Hobart faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted.  His lawyer entered a plea for a reduced sentence if Doctor P. helps locate the missing financial records.  Sentencing will take place before the end of the year.

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

NIAGARA FALLS, New York – Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends?  You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone.  A new phrase may take its place:  Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo.  “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back.  Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV.  The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me.  I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’  Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said.  “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs.  My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment.  Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo.  I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added.  “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

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