Chinese Fidget Spinner Bursts Into Flames, Kills Toddler In Her Sleep

LOS ANGELES, California –

The parents of a 3 year old girl woke up to tragedy Monday morning as their child was found dead in her bed. The cause of death, reported by the Los Angeles Coroners Department, was due to a faulty light up fidget spinner that electrocuted the child, giving her 3rd degree burns on the face as she slept with it as it was charging in her bed.

Experts are warning parents of the dangers of purchasing fidget spinners from China, as this is not the first incident of injury. Over 100 children have been injured or killed since their release earlier this year.

“You should never leaving any devise in your bed while it’s charging,” said lead detective Louis Miguel. “We have seen this a number of times, mostly with cell phones. But these fidget spinners are injuring children in large numbers.”

The child was pronounced dead at the scene. The fidget spinner was made in China and purchased online.

Activists Protest Alligator Euthanasia; Parents Of Snatched Toddler Accused Of ‘Letting It Happen’


ORLANDO, Florida

Some 50 wildlife specialists — including a trained alligator trapper — are combing a lake Wednesday at a Disney World resort hotel looking for a 2-year-old boy who was snatched by a seven or eight-foot alligator while wading on the beach. The boy was grabbed Tuesday evening while playing in about a foot of water at the Seven Seas Lagoon at the Grand Floridian Hotel with his father Tuesday evening.

Four alligators have been removed from the lagoon and are being tested for human remains, after being euthanized. Activists are protesting the actions of the Florida Fish and Wildlife agency, saying that innocent alligators should not be sacrificed to recover remains of the toddler.

National Wildlife Refuge Association (NWRA) representative, Shawn Powers blames the parents. “I am sickened by the attack on alligators following the tragic loss of the toddler at Disney. First it was the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla and now these innocent alligators. People are invading their habitats. That boy had no place in the gorilla pen, and these shouldn’t have let that toddler near the lagoon. There were signs saying ‘no swimming,’ but they let the boy play in the water anyway. I think they let it happen. They let the boy get taken by the alligator. It’s sick what people will do for 15 minutes of fame, and think of all the money they stand to make on their GoFundMe page.”

Others say all alligators should be exterminated. Although the species was endangered a few years ago, the population has exploded to 1.5 million gators. “This was a man made lagoon,” says Orange County Sheriff Jerry Demings. “Gators have no respect for borders. They’re worse than the damn Cubans that way.”

Walt Disney World has been aiding in the search. Although they took all conceivable precautions, and do not admit accountability, they will be offering an all expenses paid trip for the family to Disney Land. “We understand they will probably not want to visit Disney World again, after the tragedy, but we would like to give their family the opportunity to make new memories at Disney Land, a later date. Our thoughts are with the family at this time,” says Disney representative Michelle Broder Van Dyke.



Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room


CARLSON, Georgia – 

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident


ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

kid sleep

KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull


AKRON, Ohio – 

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child


CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

Man Arrested After Shooting At Ceiling, Injuring Toddler In Upstairs Apartment


BRIAR, North Dakota – 

Loud upstairs neighbors beware. North Dakota resident Phillip Davis tells police that his neighbors were thrashing around on purpose, terrorizing him with loud noises and thumping. Racking up over 50 noise complaints in a matter of months, Davis reportedly told police the family just wanted to drive him insane.

“I ask you – what kind of mother lets their kids run around till 11 o’clock at night? That kid would run from one end of the apartment to the other, jump on the bed, and then back again,” said Davis. “If I was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a proper night’s sleep, this accident would never have happened.”

According to Davis, he was so distressed and angry after not being able to sleep, he grabbed his gun – which he keeps on a bedside table – and claims he intended to only “mockingly” shoot at the ceiling where his neighbors were again slamming and thrashing around.

“I didn’t mean to actually pull the trigger, it was just an automatic response,” said Davis. “You know, anyone would make the same kind of motion, that whole ‘I’m gonna shoot these people!’ kind of thing. I didn’t mean to actually shoot anyone.”

The unidentified two-year-old child was fortunate enough to only receive minor injuries after the bullet from Davis’ gun went through his ceiling and punctured the mother’s foot, causing the extremely obese woman to fall on the poor child.

“I used to work second shift,” Georgette Hamilton says. “I like to sleep in. Baby would be getting up way too early if I put her to bed before 11. In a way, this is a blessing in disguise. Laid up as I am from my foot, my disability will surely go through this time!”

4-Year-Old Girl Recognized As Youngest Ever Confirmed Pregnancy

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

A 4-year-old girl who has been confirmed to be 4 weeks pregnant has been recognized by the World Health Organization as the youngest person ever to become with child, according to a spokesman for the WHO.

Amy Jones, 4, was confirmed to be pregnant by her pediatrician. Although the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are not clear, doctors say that it’s “not surprising” a child of that age could conceive.

“With all the hormones put in food and drinks these days by unscrupulous companies, it’s a wonder that babies couldn’t get pregnant,” said Dr. Emmett Fields of the Lexington Medical School. “Before this, the youngest child ever to become pregnant was 6-years-old, and she had turned 7 by the time the baby was born. It’s mind-boggling to think, but when it comes down to it, girls are experiencing puberty and younger and younger ages.”

Dr. Fields says that as times have progressed, children have hit their puberty cycles earlier and earlier. A recently as the 1940s, the average age of a boy or a girl hitting puberty was 12. As of this year, it’s 9.

“It’s staggering, really,” said Dr. Fields. “I am saddened by the developments, but excited at the prospect of working with this young girl as she goes through her pregnancy. It will be a first for everyone.”

Police who were contacted about the pregnancy say they are working with doctors to discover if there was any abuse, but so far say there is no evidence leading to that conclusion.

Children With Imaginary Friends More Likely To Be Gay, Study Finds

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical School have been studying children who claim that they have “imaginary friends” for over 2 decades, and their findings – which were released today – are shocking.

“Children who have imaginary friends are 89% more likely to turn out to be gay,” said professor Joe Goldsmith of the Boston Medical School. “We have no idea why this is the case, but in following 200 young children, 100 of whom played with imaginary friends, and 100 of whom did not, from the ages of 3 to 23, a staggering 100% of the children without IFs, as well call them, were straight. Of the children with IFs, 90 of them turned out to be gay.”

Goldsmith says that they are continuing to search for the link between the imaginary friend and homosexual tendencies, but so far, they are coming up empty-handed.

“We have no idea why this kids are, almost without fail, growing up to be gay,” said Goldsmith. “The nice thing, though, is that if your child is often playing with an imaginary friend, you can almost be assured of their homosexuality later in life. It’s a real tell of what’s to come.”

The study was funded, in part, by the American Psychiatric Association and the Catholic church.

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